Twenty Years

The kids are finally in bed. Now I will steal some “me time”. The first thing I did was go to the pantry to get a Ding Dong. I am almost embarrassed to admit that! I confess…it’s one of my favorite sweets. That and freeze dried ice cream. But the name of it always makes me chuckle. It is clearly meant for children. After I devoured that, I poured myself a glass of wine. I rarely drink but every once in awhile I crave a glass. The rain, the scent of my vanilla candle and the Cardinals losing to the Dodgers in the bottom of the ninth just put me in the mood.

So, now I will sit here and write. And the most recent event in my life…one I was anxious about for months…was my 20 year reunion. I guess I will write about that.

Twenty years! Geez…so much as happened in that span of time. I guess it was back in April or May when I learned it was coming up in October. My first thought was, “No WAY am I going.” My memories of high school were bitter sweet. By day high school was a social anxiety attack. I felt awkward, skinny and socially unprepared. I was constantly concerned about what I was going to wear or if my hair looked okay (my really big 80s hair which you might recall from an earlier post). Would I have to endure yet another question about anorexia (Never had it…I KNEW I was skinny)? Would I have anyone to eat lunch with? Would I do something stupid? As is typical of adolescence, acceptance from my peers was important to me but at the same time I had no idea how to get it.

I always felt a step behind my peers. I was last to sport the latest trend. My nails weren’t manicured. And why didn’t anyone tell me I had a unibrow? You would think having two older sisters I would know such things! (Thanks Sandy and Cheryl!) Haha! Seriously, I am not even sure if waxing was an 80’s thing to do. But if it was, true to form, I didn’t start doing it until the 90’s.

And then there were school sponsored social events like Homecoming and Prom. I didn’t have a date unless I asked someone and that someone was always a friend. I missed my Senior Prom. I dreaded someone asking me the question, “Who are you going with?” To admit that I was never asked was humiliating! But almost equally as horrifying was being asked. I have always had a shy side. Okay…I’ll admit it...INSECURITY! I definitely lacked confidence. I didn’t think I could dance, I had nothing to wear, and I seriously questioned whether or not I had a personality in which anyone would truly be interested.

Don’t get me wrong. I had friends but only a handful to whom I felt close and I never felt I fit in with one particular group. I wasn’t a cheerleader or on Poms. I wasn’t in the band. I didn’t play soccer, basketball or softball. Instead, I was captain of the Cross Country team. To me that was not “cool”. I wasn’t a “girly-girl” and I didn’t know how to…or maybe I didn’t want to…get close to other girls. Part of it was fear. I was definitely afraid of rejection. Girls were NOT easy! If you got on their bad side, they were just plain mean and held grudges as if their lives depended on it. But also I didn’t feel I fit…like a piece of a puzzle mixed in with the wrong puzzle. Guys were easier…if you pissed them off they got over it, they probably didn’t care if my shoes didn’t go perfectly with the outfit I chose, and I was fairly certain they weren’t going to ask me to go shopping—something I hated to do because I never had any money and had no clue what looked good.

So, we’ve established that I didn’t feel I completely fit in with the girls. I got along well with the guys but kept most at arms length (what if they asked me to a dance or even worse, a date!). I did try to put myself out there once…went out with someone for a whole two weeks before he avoided me like the plague. Literally, he actively avoided me. I would see him down the hall, we would make eye contact, and he would blatantly turn around and walk the other direction. THAT did a lot for my self confidence, as you can imagine.

So, that was my “day life”. Night life was much different. I had two great friends: Gina, whom I have known since Kindergarten and Paula, I met in high school. We had a great time together. We were always doing off the wall things that other people would probably think were bizarre. One night we got in Gina’s truck and went around the neighborhood collecting large items which people put out for trash pick up. We found a couch, a lamp, a small table and a vacuum cleaner. In the middle of the night, we arranged these items in this guy’s yard and took pictures of each other lounging on the couch or “vacuuming” the yard. On another occasion we found about 20 bags of leaves. We took all of those and dumped them in the same guy’s yard. The irony of it was what we found hilarious--he didn’t have any trees in his yard.

We would drive around in other school districts until we found a house party. Then we would go in and act like we belonged when actually we know NO ONE! We got pulled over on a couple of occasions but always managed to get out of it. And we loved to dare each other to do things, like massage some stranger’s shoulders at the baseball game. Still, to this day, one of the best Blues games I have ever been to was with Gina and Paula in the old Arena. We arrived at the end of the game. We were listening to the game on the radio so knew the Blues were down by one. We caught some people as they were walking out and we talked them into giving us their ticket stubs. Ticket stub in hand, we explained to the guy at the door that we had to go to our car because one of us needed a tampon…an excuse we knew would make the 60-something-year-old man a little uncomfortable and also make him take pity on us and let us “back in”. It worked! Enough people left the game that there were seats in the front row. Just as we sat down, the Blues tied it up sending it into overtime. Overtime turned into double overtime. A fight ensued right in front of us. Eventually, the Blues scored! They won 4-3. I could name a million other fun, silly times we had together.

We also had great times with many of our other classmates outside of school. Some of our best memories were with Rob and Casey! I don’t think I have ever laughed as hard as when we were with them. But there were some situations that made life uncomfortable. There were a few girls who made it clear that they did NOT like me. Some believed rumors that were just that--rumors! And some misinterpreted my actions assuming my intent was to hurt or to deceive. And to be honest I was confused and, although I never meant to hurt anyone, I didn’t always think about how my actions would affect someone else.

I graduated, thank God! And I got out of there. I went on to make about a trillion more mistakes in college but eventually I slowed down, grew up. I kept in touch with a few people over the years, mostly through email but the friendships basically lay dormant.

Fast forward twenty whole years later. When I learned of the reunion, I emotionally returned to the age of 18. I felt many of those insecure feelings I had so long ago of not completely fitting in. On one level I knew I should no longer care what people think of me, but the thought of seeing some of those people who clearly didn’t care for me wasn’t appealing. I had to come to terms with the mistakes of my past and hope that I was forgiven. About a week after learning of the October event, I literally had a nightmare about walking into the reunion and having everyone turn their backs on me, refusing to talk, even ignoring my direct questions.

Fortunately, I had a few months to prepare for that day. Those months were healing for me. It started with Facebook…the reunion before the reunion. I had forgotten so many people and good memories that had been overshadowed by the not-so-good ones. It was fun reconnecting, getting updates on lives, seeing pictures of my classmate’s husbands, wives and children. One person in particular who “friended” me was one of the people I was certain hated me in high school. She may never know how nice it felt to have her to reach out like that…It meant a lot.

There was also internal preparation for that day. After much thought, I realized no one is who they were at that time. We are wives, husbands, moms and dads. We’ve experienced successes and failures, losses and gains (physically, financially, and emotionally). We’ve struggled and lived life and we realize we don’t know it all. We’ve made mistakes and sinned and healed and forgiven. Twenty years changes a person inside and out.

And then there was the pre-reunion at a happy-hour the night before the reunion. This is where I learned the most about how great it is to come together 20 years later. We arrived with enough maturity to realize that the past is the past but when we looked across the room, recognized each other, talked, and caught up on each other’s lives, we were 18 again. People I knew then, I now wish I would’ve known better. I saw some through a different lens, void of my high school insecurities. And our silliness definitely returned evidenced by all of the pictures that are now floating around Facebook. It was Gina’s idea…I swear! She stole Kathi’s camera while she was in the bathroom and made me stand next to random strangers while she took my picture! Or was it my idea? Hmmm…

But even with the preparation of the last few months, I was still nervous when I walked through those doors the following day to join the class of 1989. I still feared doing something stupid like falling in those ridiculously high heels. And I was glad to be with my childhood friend who understood the process I had gone through the months before. As I went through the evening and saw people from that time in my life:

The girls from my grade school…

A friend, who I have wondered about all these years…the one with whom I went to the Def Leppard concert,

That guy who was one of the nicest people then and still is,

Those boys who were inseparable in high school,

That one girl who had a smile that was contagious,

The girls I knew but really didn’t,

And so many others of whom I had positive memories…

I was glad to be there and relieved I made the decision to attend.

There were some experiences I didn’t expect. I met Carla, an awesome person whom I never knew in high school. And talked to Tim, a guy I saw a million times but never had the opportunity to really get to know. I met Diana’s husband and Mike’s wife.

When the night came to an end, I was actually disappointed. It went too fast. I talked to several people while I was there but the conversation lacked the depth that time would have allowed. There were also so many missing who I really wanted to see.

I graduated from high school in 1989. I attended college and earned a degree, I got married, had children, own a minivan and have a house payment. Even though I am all grown up, high school is still a part of who I am. But over the past few months, I was able to put some of those negative memories behind me and to realize that time changes us all for the better. It has just taken me awhile to get to this point…Twenty years to be exact.

Right now...

Ryan was sick today so he stayed home from school. I worked from home most of the day. Grace went to school. Nathan played with his fire trucks, watched the Wiggles (his latest obsession), and asked me a trillion questions. All of my answers were quickly followed by another question..."why?"

Grace got home from school, picked up her Ipod and went outside to play with Ali and to ride her electric scooter. She came in later to gather some blankets, which she laid in the back of Mike's pick-up (You know...the one from last year that we have not yet gotten rid of. Yes...I am trying really hard to fit the part of hoosier/red neck girl. I have the broken down truck in the driveway. Now all I need is to have bare feet, a baby on my hip and a beer in my hand and it will be official!) Anyway, I called Grace in to do her homework, helped her with it, and scraped together some food..."dinner" in the loosest sense of the word!

Ryan's fever went down thanks to Target's generic brand of Motrin so he felt good enough to organize some of his Pokemon cards. He brought them to me and announced that he was going to sell them on Ebay for $400. Grace came in and got some candy. Nathan got into the closet and found an umbrella which I promptly took away from him because he has broken every one we've had. Then he found this green, frog raincoat. I can hear the sound of the plastic as he puts in on, takes it off, puts it on again upside down, takes it off, puts it on, and comes to me to ask me to "snap it up".

Ryan just came out of his room dressed in nice black pants, black leather dress shoes, a light blue oxford and a tie! He said he was going on a pretend date. He walked back in the room and sprayed a little Axe. Then he sauntered into the kitchen, leaned against the wall, put one foot up on the wall behind him and gave me a look like he was modeling for GQ. Ugh...I hate that he is growing up so fast. I only have about 8 more years left before he leaves home for college!

Where's Grace? Let me check...okay...she's running up the street with her helmet on with a walkie-talking in her hand while her friend, Ali, rides her motor scooter down the street. Why do I always see someone else on Grace's motor scooter? She is just so sweet...always sharing. But I fear she also gets taken advantage of.

Oh...here comes Nathan with his frog raincoat..."This isn't working, mommy!" Nevermind...he just walked in to ask Ryan if he wanted to wear his "froggie jacket". Ryan is now playing the Wii and for some reason is telling Nathan not to be "weird". And Nathan is calling him "Dorothy the Dinosaur". I still hear that plastic...uh oh...Nathan is now really frustrated. He can't zip up his raincoat. Let me help him....Okay...I did it. He was so pleased. I told him to go look in the mirror. He smiled, pointed his fingers, leaned back, lifted one leg and said, "To the big red car!", which he says about 15 times a day. Anyone who knows the Wiggles will know that phrase. Then he went to look in the mirror.

Here comes Grace. She wants to know if she can go down the street. She pleaded, "Anila really super, super wants me. She's a really nice friend from school. Can I go play down the street? It's just right down there, past the stop sign." Okay...just for a few minutes. Ryan's moved on to Wii tennis. Nathan is watching him. Oh no...I hear arguing. I think Ali just threatened to go home because Grace was playing with someone else and then Grace said, "Okay I won't play with them!" See what I mean? I will take care of this..."Grace, it's time to come in." Nathan just said "poop". Now Ryan and Nathan are talking about "toots" and "farts" Well, that's where "right now" ends...I need to move into "later".

:-)

Yesterday, Ryan brought me a baseball and a pen and asked for my autograph. He said, "Your autograph should be worth a million dollars because you are the best mom in the world!" And I will cherish all of these moments because when he is a teenager, I am fairly certain he won't feel the same!

It seems every time we turn around there is some house repair, car expense, or some bill that arrives that we weren't expecting. Just when we feel we are getting ahead then BAM! Something happens.

And then there are the ordinary expenses of holidays, birthdays, Boy scouts, gymnastics, baseball, violin lessons, and the change of seasons requiring new clothing purchases.

What about those little inconveniences in life like spilled milk, crumbled up Cheese-its on the carpet, dog hair, Nathan throwing up in my lap right before Ryan pitches for the first time, permanent marker on clothes, fingernail polish on the couch, discovering gum in the washer after it was left in a pocket or the ants that made their way into the house and into the dog's dish.

Some might complain that their child climbs into their bed night after night no matter how many times you put them back in their own bed or the radio is too loud or the bikes and helmets and bases and balls are strewn all over the yard.

Some say things like, "Why does this always happen to us?" or "We will never get ahead in life!" These are the people who choose to look at life through that glass-half-empty lens and who refuse to see life on the other end of the spectrum. How unhappy and hopeless life must feel.

I admit I have my moments where the stress gets to be a little too much and I might have a fleeting thought of "I wish my life was different". But it doesn't take long for me to realize that if I didn't have a car repair that means I don't have a car. And if I didn't have to pay for things like lessons, sports, clothes...that would mean my children wouldn't have these experiences. How sad I would be if there was never spilled milk or throw up or gum or messes of any kind...that would mean I don't have children. Someday, my house will be quiet. I will not have a child climbing into my bed. No one will have the radio up too loud. Bikes, baseball and bases will be a thing of the past. And I will miss them!


"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir

Obviously, Ryan is playing baseball again this year. He is in the third grade so this is the first year of "kid pitch". These pictures are a little out of order. I still cannot figure out how to post the pictures where I want them! Anyway, prior to his game, he wanted me to take some "action shots" of him in the front yard. The first picture is actually at the game...his first time on the mound! He pitched a no-hitter in the three innings he was allowed to pitch.

These pictures are of Grace and a few of her friends. Grace has the most fun having pictures taken of her making a silly face or doing something off the wall If I was her age, I would definitely want to hang out with her!

When I was putting Grace to bed the other night, I took the book she was holding and started to put it away. She said, "Mom, you know I like to snuggle up with a book!" I didn't realize she took this saying so literally. :)