The other day after work I picked the kids up from my moms and came home. It was raining. My hands were full. I was carrying a toddler, a case I brought home from work, my purse, Nathan's shoes, which he insists on taking off every time we are in the car, and an umbrella. I gave my keys to Ryan so he could unlock the door. He and Grace ran ahead. I was walking up the stairs to the door just as Ryan turned the doorknob. He and Grace walk in and SLAM...the door shuts. I am still standing outside. I opened the door, barely holding on to the contents in my arms. I immediately turn to Ryan and explain that he should hold the door open for me. This enters us into a conversation about chivalry.
Ryan doesn't quite understand. He feels that what I am saying is that females are more important that males. I try to explain that holding the door open for a girl/woman in no way means that females have greater importance. We discuss how God made men and women differently and how men, historically, were the protectors and caretakers of the family.
I find myself awkwardly trying to explain the meaning of chivalry. The term was historically used in medieval times and was a code of courtesy, especially of a man toward a woman. At that time, it was believed that women were the fairer or weaker sex and one of the duties of a knight was to serve their lady and to be gracious and gentle with all women. But times have changed, obviously. The line between the roles of men and women are blurred. I am not against this by any means. But as I get older, I can see the individual gifts that we each have. I can see how and why we were created differently. And in some way, I wish the roles were more clearly defined.
So, I'm looking for advice. Should a boy still be taught to be chivalrous? If so, how do I explain to my boys why this is important?
5 comments:
I do think boys should be taught chivalry (and I also think this is something that is lacking in society today) - but I appreciate how hard it can be...especially because I also like the idea of teaching our daughters independence
I have a couple of friends who are hardcore feminists; I respect their viewpoints on many matters but one of their key factors seems to be that they do not need to be taken care of in any capacity (i.e., they can open their own doors, thank you very much). As women have fought to be considered "equals" in society, it seems - in some cases - we have earned just that....and, as a result, there is no longer a need or reason for men to be chivalrous.
I like how you referenced men as being the "protectors and caretakers" of the family to Ryan - but perhaps balance that with women being the "givers of life" (I heard this once from a Native American Indian...it was his explanation about why women in his culture were so revered and considered so powerful).
Or, perhaps taking the gender roles out of the equation might make more sense to Ryan? Meaning...he doesn't have to be conscientious about getting the door for you because you are a "woman" (or even because you are his mother) but more because you are a human being who needs assistance in the moment and how, sometimes, something as small as holding a door for someone else can make all the difference. Maybe it isn’t about being chivalrous but, rather, about being considerate of others’ needs.
I agree that the issue should really be about being kind to everyone. I appreciate the thoughtfulness that is displayed toward me by people of both sexes. In my case, when the door is held for me, it is probably because of my obvious age (white hair and a few more wrinkles than I once had). I wish that wasn't the case but it is. I often hold the door for others just because they are close behind me and it would be rude to let the door close on them. It takes no effort to be polite. Maybe the term "chivalry" should be retired and replaced by "consideration" to all people. Children, male or female, should be taught common courtesy as opposed to men treating women differently because of their gender. I don't like the hardcore feminism that doesn't tolerate help from someone of the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with me appreciating the gesture and saying thank you when a man holds the door for me. It takes nothing away from me and if it makes him feel good, who am I to rob him of that or to criticize him for being considerate of me, whatever his motive? I don't take it as an insult in any case. There has to be some kind of happy medium. We're all human for Pete's sake!
Linda - I agree re: hardcore feminism...hope that came across in my comment.
Looks like 2 votes for "consideration" so far ;)
Jessica and Mom,
Yes...I completely agree with teaching common courtesy and consideration and I guess there doesn't have to be...or shouldn't be...a differentiation between genders. That makes sense. What I want Ryan and Nathan to learn is to care for the people around them, to be kind, etc. These are the same things I will teach Grace.
I have never been a "hardcore feminist" but I do have some feminist views. Although I feel women are strong, capable and independent, I am still impressed by boys and men who open doors, pull out chairs, etc. If someone does this for me, I do not feel this makes me "weak" or "less than".
But, again, times have changed...maybe chivalry should not be taught as it was "back then".
Another great reference point for Ryan, Nathan AND Grace will be how Mike handles these situations - it will be powerful for them to see him lead by example.
Post a Comment