The Secret

I remember it as if it were yesterday. My sisters and I were decorating the Christmas tree. Our parents were sitting there with smiles on their faces, watching their daughters participate in our yearly tradition. But my mind was filled with thoughts of earlier that day when Bobby told me there wasn't a Santa Clause. I defended Santa vehemently. I knew he was real! I saw him, I sat on his lap and sent my Christmas list to him. There was evidence of his existence...a stocking filled with candy and presents under the tree with his name in the "From" space. I was not ready to give up that magical dream of flying reindeer whisking Santa from roof top to roof top delivering gifts. Should I ask? After mulling it over, I turned to my mom and asked, "Is Santa Clause real?" My sisters paused to see what her response would be.

"Do you want to know the truth?"

"Yes!" But I was secretly hoping she would confirm my belief.

"No, Santa is not real. We give you the presents...we are Santa."

The look on my face prompted my mother to ask if I was okay. I said yes and made some excuse about needing to go to my room. I broke down in tears. Tears of embarrassment, tears of a broken dream. I know...dramatic...but what wasn't at that age?

Now I am passing on this tradition of having my children believe in Santa. Over and over I have thought about the time when my children will ask me the question, "Is he real?" How will I spare them the disillusionment I felt when I learned the truth? Well, that time arrived with Ryan a couple of weeks ago.

My sister, Cheryl, had come over to the house to help Ryan with a school project while I gave Nathan a bath, read to Grace and got them ready for bed. She called me shortly after she left and explained that Ryan was asking her if the story of Santa Clause was truth or fiction. Earlier that day, a boy in Ryan's class announced his knowledge that his parents were actually the one's who give him gifts from Santa. He relayed the story of how he snuck out of his room last year witnessing his parents wrapping gifts and filling his stocking. The next morning he realized the presents he was opening from "Santa" were in the identical gift wrap his parents were using the night before. He put two and two together...

Cheryl didn't know what to tell Ryan so she confirmed that Santa is real and then called me to let me know that Ryan is questioning his existence. I had already been toying with the thought of telling Ryan the truth. I wanted him to know before he found himself in the position of defending Santa as I did when I was a child.

Ryan got ready for bed and, true to our usual routine, I went into his room to have "a talk" and to say goodnight. I grasped for the right words. Maybe I could get him to ask me about it...that would be a place to start...but how could I get him to ask me???

I started talking about Christmas and Santa but that didn't seem to be working so I finally decided the direct approach was probably better.

"Ryan, I have an adult secret to tell you and I am trying to decide if you are old enough to hear it."

Ryan looked at me wide eyed. I could just see the wheels turning...of course he would want to know an adult secret!!!! "Yes, Mom, I'm old enough...tell me!!!"

I asked Ryan if he wanted to know the truth about Santa. He answered in the affirmative so I apprehensively announced to him that his Dad and I are Santa and waited for his reaction.

He sat there for a moment staring at me in disbelief, mouth and eyes wide open, looking surprised. Then he smiled, started laughing and tackled me saying, "You rascal!" (Where he gets phrases like that, I have no idea!). He repeated over and over, "I am in shock! I don't believe it!" At the same time he admitted there was part of him that doubted a man could bring toys to every child in the world, in one night, being transported by a bunch of reindeer. He said that sounded a little silly. After this news sunk in he told me he wished I wouldn't have told him because he had plans to go to the North Pole someday to visit Santa's workshop. I pointed out to him that whether I told him the truth or not, there still wouldn't have been a Santa's Workshop on the North Pole.

It took Ryan awhile to reorganize his beliefs to make sense of the world again. That evening he got out of bed about ten times to ask me questions about Santa, reindeer, stockings, presents, where his Christmas lists had gone, etc. He eventually fell asleep.

Later, I told Mike about what had transpired that night and about how I revealed the truth about Santa. After he thought about it awhile, he asked, "What about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny?" Ugh...We'll cross that bridge when we come to it!