Graduation

Graduation...an end and a beginning. A time in life when one crosses over from one phase to the next, the beginning of another chapter.

Throughout life, there are experiences that force us to grow up. These experiences are not always welcome but necessary. I remember walking her into the school on her first day, feeling her fear and hesitation, wanting to hold her close and never let her go. She cried when I left... begged me to return. I would wait at the end of the hall around the corner where she couldn't see me, praying that the tears would stop. I could hear her pleading, "Mommy, please come back! I want to go with you!" It took all the strength in me not to run into the room, scoop her into my arms and take her with me. Instead, I went to my car and broke down in tears. Was this a necessary exercise? We both had to adjust to independence. She needed to grow and I needed to allow her to do so. I missed her as much as she missed me...maybe more...because I was losing my baby! She was growing up and this was a small preview of what is to come.

Each day became easier for both of us. No longer were our walks down the hall accompanied by tears, begging and dragging feet. Now the halls echoed with singing, laughter and children saying, "Hi, Grace!". Okay, it wasn't always this rosy. Every Monday still brought on some hesitation on Grace's part. I eventually diagnosed it as the Monday Morning Allergy. I explained to her teachers that Grace is allergic to Mondays and should be allowed to lay down every Monday morning until she recovers from it. Amazingly, the allergy would clear up after about 15 minutes of rest. There were also times when she refused to walk down the hall to the classroom. A big thanks to the Parenting with Love and Logic techniques...I would offer her a choice, "Do you want to skip backwards or forwards down the hall to your classroom?" She would always choose backwards so every day since that time, she skipped backwards down the hall, holding my hand.

It has been awesome to witness the changes in Grace academically, emotionally, and socially over the past three years. At three, she could barely sound out a word. Now, she is reading books to me! Hearing your child read for the first time is an incredible, amazing experience. At three and four, she was learning to count...now she's multiplying and dividing! She's only six! At three, she was playing independently, spending most of her recess on the swing or digging in the sand, not seeming to notice or care about the children around her. Now, talk of her day always involves her best friends: Kennedy, Brandi and Brooke. At three, she was shy, uncomfortable around other children and adults, didn't want people looking at her or laughing at anything she said. The other day, she showed everyone her "graduation dance", wiggling her little body all over the place, moving her arms back and forth without an embarrassed bone in her body! I am so proud of the changes I see, so proud of the girl she is and so proud of the young woman I know she will become.

Graduation day...her flowered dress, white sandals, blonde hair with a braid down the back, big blue eyes, black graduation cap affixed firmly on her head, big smile, head up high, walking down the aisle to the front of the church. Grace usually shies away from having her picture taken but today, she offered a warm smile to anyone who held a camera in front of her. She seemed to feel some pride in her accomplishments. Maybe that is me assigning feelings to the day...she was most likely just really glad that it was the last day of school! But I recognize the difference in her, how she has grown, the confidence she now possesses.

So, now she enters this new chapter of her life and leaves the last one behind. We move on toward our march to independence, hers and mine. I am sure we will continue this mother-daughter dance of me pulling her close and letting her go until, little by little, she learns to dance on her own.

My Wish

I was getting really good about posting...blogging...but this past week it has been hard to find the time to just sit down for a couple of minutes. Also, I spent about 45 minutes writing the other day and lost everything! That was a little disheartening...I liked what I was writing and then...gone! Ughhhhh! I needed a little time away from that experience.

I was trying to figure out how to add a song to my blog. I will figure it out eventually but the song I wanted to add is My Wish by Rascal Flatts. There might not be music but I will post the lyrics and you all can just add your own music! This long distance dedication goes out to all of my family and friends and to anyone else who might come across this blog...

My Wish

by Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow

And each road leads you where you want to go

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you

And if one door opens to another door closed

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile

More then anything, more then anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small

You never need to carry more then you can hold

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to

I hope you know somebody loves you

and wants the same things too

Yeah, this, is my wish

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget

All the ones who love you, in the place you left

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret

And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake

And you always give more then you take

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small

You never need to carry more then you can hold

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to

I hope you know somebody loves you

And wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish.

How We Began...

Mike and I have been together for over 18 years, since I was 19 years old. And tomorrow (May 18th) is our 12th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, Mike! We have a theory about why we ended up together. This might sound strange but we joke that it was because of my feet. I will explain but will first give you a little history.

I grew up in Carrollton subdivision, a well maintained, safe, middle class neighborhood in Bridgeton on the corner of Latham and Selwyn. Mike lived on Selwyn, about 15 houses or so away from mine. Most of my childhood memories are of my time spent playing in and exploring this neighborhood. I remember riding my bike up the street by his house. It would be up his street I would go every Halloween when we went trick or treating. I probably even tried to sell Girl Scout cookies at his door. I played...or watched my teammates play...soccer (this wasn't my forte) with his sister (Hi, Chrissy!). Even though we lived so close, for some reason our paths did not cross directly until much later in our lives.

Mike and I went to different schools. He is an alumni of the local Catholic grade school. I...the product of the public school system. We were (are) two years apart in age, had a different group of friends, lived separate lives yet shared a street.

Little by little, I learned who Mike was. It just so happened that a friend of my sisters, an across-the-street neighbor, had a crush on him. She and my sister would walk up the street, by his house to possibly get a look at him and, if they were lucky, maybe they could strike up a conversation. Instead they were met by an impish, immature boy concerned only with his territory, intolerant of intruders. They were quite disappointed when he threw rocks at them, called them names and yelled at them to go to "their end of the street".

Still, as the years marched on, I didn't really know him...I knew OF him: His bad boy reputation, his athletic ability, "the hottie with the body". I saw him drive...speed...up and down the street. I would think, "What a jerk!" but I was still intrigued. We were in two separate leagues. He represented fast...I felt more comfortable with slow. He was athletic, handsome, and confident. I was skinny, awkward, uncomfortable in my own skin. Never did I imagine that we would ever meet...let alone be married...have children.

During my high school years, as is typical of that stage of development, I was trying to discover who I was. I experimented with my appearance...my hair, my clothes, the music to which I listened. I am sure some of you remember my hair...eight inches tall, teased out like a lion's mane. The music I loved...The Alarm, U2, The Cure, The Clash...or was it Beastie Boys and Bobby Brown. That depended on the year...day...my friends. By day I was on honor roll, captain of the cross country team, on Student Council. By night I was either working, driving around looking for something exciting to do, and I "partied" probably more than I should have. I wanted to be an "individual". Isn't this the goal of every teenager...to fit in by being "an individual"? The irony makes me laugh!

So through this quest for self, one of the ways I chose to express my individuality was by going barefoot. I felt that my bare feet on the pavement, concrete, carpet, or convenient store floor (yuk!) was freeing. I loved to feel my feet against the ground instead of constricted by a pair of shoes. Some kids dye their hair green...I just didn't wear shoes. Remember also, I was a runner...Zola Bud was an inspiration. I went barefoot EVERYWHERE unless I absolutely had to put something on my feet.

You might be wondering what my feet have to do with meeting Mike. I guess there is one important piece of information you need to know. Mike loves feet! I am not sure when or where this fetish began but, as we joke, if it wasn't for his foot fetish, we might never have met.

Until one summer day in 1989, Mike's life ran parallel to mine, never touching directly. Eventually the day arrived...the day we would meet. My sister invited me to go to her friend, Steve's, softball game. Of course I would go...I loved Steve...and watching all of the guys in their tight pants! Hey, I was 19! So there we were, sitting on the bench, watching "the game". And I, of course, was shoeless. I vividly remember Mike walking over to the stands to get something out of his bag...I threw a piece of ice at him and smiled. (I admit...I was a flirt) You have to imagine this next part in slow motion. He slowly turned around to determine who threw the ice at him...He looked over...saw me...saw my feet... (Do you hear the trumpets? Do you see the bright light surrounding the two of us? Do you hear the choir singing?) Okay, I am being a bit dramatic...but he did remember my "cute feet", as he calls them.

Of course, there are many more chapters to the Mike and Laura story...that is just how it begins. The rest of the book would evoke every emotion...love, anger, excitement, sadness, suspense, confusion, peace, comfort and joy. We've lived it for 18 years....we will most likely live it for 18 more...unless he finds someone with cuter feet than mine!

Ryan

I have to share more about my children. I know...I should probably focus on something else...you can tell that they are my life! But since they are my life and are important to me, I have to include them.

Since I started blogging, my children, Ryan especially, has been interested in what I am writing. He liked my "One of the best dates ever" post because it was about him. Then I wrote about Grace and included pictures of her. Since that time, Ryan has been trying to figure out how to get me to write more about him. So, he tries to say funny things and shortly thereafter asks if I am going to put "that" on my blog. You might realize that when children TRY to be funny, they are not always...it's those moments when they are not trying to be funny that they are the most endearing!

So, at the moment I cannot think of one event that stands out in my mind about Ryan...there are so many things he does and says that make me laugh on a daily basis. But for the sake of getting his picture on here, which he keeps asking me to do, I am posting these.

We took a trip a couple of weeks ago to see my dad. We always have a great time when we're there. Ryan loves it because he gets to do all of those fun boy things...he goes fishing, four wheeling and occasionally my dad will take him to the airport to play around in the planes. He loves it! We didn't get to see the planes this time but we had fun doing the other things.

Anyway, here are the pictures from our trip.

Nathan

I realize I haven't written yet about the newest member of our family...Nathan! My little gift from God. I actually think that all of my children are gifts from God but that is actually what Nathan means...that's why we named him that! So, here he is....constantly smiling since he could smile...easy to please...happy go lucky. Of course he does have those one-year-old negative behaviors. When he doesn't get his way, he opens his eyes and his mouth really wide, locks his arms...outstretched, hands open...and screams at the top of his lungs. It's hard not to laugh! If you get close enough you might get whacked across the face. These behaviors are easily dealt with by giving him a one minute time out...he now knows what time out is and I can just warn him. In fact, when I ask him if he needs a time out, he stops what he is doing and sits down on the floor...he's a very smart kid.

Nathan is an excellent dancer. This is something I wish I could get a picture of but since I don't have one right now you will have to just picture it. He clasps his hands together and lifts his elbows out to the side. As he stomps his one foot, his shoulders move back and forth and he moves his elbow up and down. It is soooooo adorable!

He is not saying much right now but is able to communicate what he wants in short syllables. Da is down or dog...dada is daddy...mama could be me, milk or grandma or just about anything else he wants.

The most exciting thing for him is his...well, you know. He found "it" and whenever it is bath time and sometimes during a diaper change he reaches down, touches himself and giggles. Do boys ever change??? Once they find it, they never let it go!

I know this is probably boring for all of you but moms love to brag about their children. Another thing I love is when Nathan blows and catches kisses. When I ask him to blow me a kiss, he puts his hand against his mouth, blows and slobbers into his hand and throws one to me. I then pretend to catch it in the air and place in on my cheek. Then, when I blow a kiss back to him, he slaps himself on the back of his head and smiles.

There are so many other cute things he does...like carries Grace's lunch box around the house waving and saying "ba" to everyone, or how he loves to play with baseball hats and tries to put them on his head, or how he pretends not to hear me when I tell him to stop doing/touching something...he moves his eyes to look my way, gets a mischievous grin on his face but will not turn his head (and will not stop what he is doing). Of course if I come near, he has to run in the opposite direction, laugh and throw whatever is in his hands. He thinks it hilarious.

Life was good before Nathan came into our lives but it is so much better now. I cannot imagine life without him.

Happy Birthmother's Day. I didn't even know there was such a thing. At first, I thought this was probably Hallmark's attempt at making more money but then I did some research and apparently it was the idea of a group of birthmothers. During my research I found some differing points of view about this celebration. One birthmother in particular was offended by having a separate day. After all, was she any less of a mother just because she wasn't parenting? She felt she made a huge sacrifice because of her love for her child and that is what mother's do. I haven't yet formulated an opinion on the subject. I was perfectly fine recognizing my son's birthmother on Mother's Day...I guess I will have to ask her about it. If she has a preference then that is what really matters.

So, what is it that Mother's want to do on Mother's Day? "Nothing" seems to be the preference of many people I know. A break...that's what mothers need! I just saw yesterday on Fox and Friends that if mothers were paid a salary, they should be earning $117,000 per year! Wouldn't that be nice??? Instead, the pay isn't great, the work is hard, but the reward is invaluable.

Anyway, my "break" will probably have to come another day. I will be parenting solo on Mother's Day since Mike is out of town. But this is also a good thing...quality time spent just with the Ryan, Grace and Nathan. I usually get the best gifts...handmade cards, lots of hugs and kisses, a little extra TLC...my children are the greatest! And, of course, I am looking forward to spending time with my mom. No matter how old you are, you always need your mom! I don't know what I would do without her.

Ahhhhh...it's so nice to be able to sit down in front of this computer. It would be nice if my computer wrote back to me. A dialog is much more enjoyable but this is the next best thing.

I can't wait until the end of the school year! This past year has been a challenge to say the least. On a daily basis, I get up at 5:30 a.m., get myself and three children ready and out the door by 7:30 a.m. Nathan goes to mom's and I take Grace to school. I work at her school every morning, opening the door for all of the children and cleaning/mopping one of the classrooms. (I'll do anything to save a little money...Well...almost anything.) But my work at the school makes a Montessori tuition a little more affordable. Also to that end, I wash the floors every Friday. I prefer going on Friday nights. That way no one is there...talking to me...interrupting my work. But more importantly, it leaves me alone with my thoughts...helps me work things out internally. And sometimes when I am in a really good mood, I will turn the radio on and up, sing, and pretend the mop is my dance partner. :-) Gosh, I hope no one has ever seen me do that! So, I guess I get something out of this work that I do but I am still sooooooo looking forward to being free!!!!

Another challenge I faced this year was homeschooling Ryan. I truly LOVED homeschooling! The best part was that I was learning things all over again. But between doing lesson plans, grading papers, working 30+ hours a week, and the 7 or so hours a week at Grace's school, the homeschooling was a bit much. I don't know what I would have done without my mom! Mom, if you are reading this, you are truly a Godsend. Unfortunately, I spread myself a little too thin and the homeschooling was not working out. I don't know what it is about me but I tend to do too much...bite off more than I can chew. I am learning...always a work in progress. Ryan has been going to school for the past three/four weeks and he loves it, which is a huge relief to me.

The most wonderful "challenge" this year has been our decision to adopt a child. As some know, Mike and I couldn't have more children, although our dream was to have three or four. But we made our peace with the cards life dealt and moved on. Then this wonderful gift fell into our laps. This is hard for me to say...he was a gift to us but in order to be given this gift, someone else had to lose. I struggle with this and hope that as Nathan grows I can help him to understand how special he is...how his life has purpose and meaning...how much he is loved by all of the people in his life, including those who brought him into the world. As someone who specializes in adoption and understands...or so I think...how adoption can affect an adoptee's life, I hope that I will have the tools to help him form a positive identity. Knowledge can be power...but ignorance can be bliss.

I look back to a few months ago when all of these things were coming together like a gathering storm...the stress of getting up early, taking care of children, homeschooling, adjusting to the addition of a child, work...Now we are swinging to the other end of life's pendulum and thankfully so. But I also see the value of the "struggle" of life. The stars are always in the sky but you can't see them until the dark of night.

The Prayer (Josh Groban)

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe

La luce che to daiI
pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restero
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarchi che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei

Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe.

Sognamo un mondo senza piu violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita
La forza che ci dai

We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede cheHai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera

Amazing Grace

This is my daughter. She is 6 and a little ray of sunshine...unless she's hungry...then she's more like a thunderstorm. But feed her and the sun comes out again! Sometimes I look at my children and wonder if we would be friends if we were the same age. I definitely would want to be Grace's friend! She is fun, funny, full of life and laughter, sarcastic, witty, and charming...a lot like me! (Just kidding!)

Occasionally Grace decides that she would like to be someone else. This desire usually occurs when that someone else is getting to do something that she wants to do. Suddenly the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. So, the other day, I told Grace she had to go to bed. True to form, she said, "I wish I was you. Then I could stay up as late I want." I pointed out to her that if she was me she would have to do laundry and dishes, go to work, etc. She thought about this for a minute and then said, "Okay, I wish I was daddy."

Opening Jars

I mowed the lawn yesterday. Of course I had some help...I hate that I can't start the lawn mower on my own! Mike always has to get it going the first time and then I can usually do it after that. It's really embarrassing when I want to mow the lawn when he's not at home, like during the week when I am off work. I just hope and pray that no one is watching me! For those of you who know me, you can imagine how ridiculous I must look...a little 103 pound woman trying to pull that string over and over...I feel like a kid! :-) But once I get it started, I feel a little proud of myself that I actually did it.

There is something inside of me that always believes I can do anything if I try hard enough. As I was mowing the lawn and humming the song, "Welcome to the Jungle", (the grass was VERY long) I was analyzing this feeling I have...like I am capable of most things. Where did that come from? I am constantly trying to figure out where my feelings "come from". But I think I figured it out, at least partially. It had to do with my dad and opening jars.

When I was a little girl, I had a gift...or I believed I had a gift...of opening jars. It didn't matter how difficult they were to open...I could do it! I proved it all the time at the dinner table. My mom would bring the food to the table and inevitably there would be a jar of something. She would give it to my dad to open and he would try and try and couldn't ever make them budge. So he would ask me. Amazingly, I could do it! Sometimes he would even pass the jar around to my older sisters so they could attempt to open it. Eventually it would get to me and due to my brute strength the jar would open. The family was always wowed by my ability and I was so proud of myself. I would smile from ear to ear and each day at the dinner table I would offer to open the jars.

It's embarrassing to say that it wasn't until much later in my life that I realized what my dad was doing. I know now that he was loosening them up and pretending not to be able to open them and that my sisters must have been in on this deception. But I am thankful for this experience because that feeling of pride in my accomplishments is now a part of me. I want to be able to open that jar that no one else can open. I love the feeling of achieving something that is difficult...even something as simple...but difficult for me...like starting a lawn mower.

One of the best dates ever...

It actually happened a couple of weeks ago when Mike was out of town. I probably should feel guilty about spending so much quality time with someone else and allowing myself to feel the way I do, but for some reason, this is not the case.

As I said, Mike was out of town so me and this "other guy" decided to spend the evening together. Our plans were simple...just a quiet evening at home, a movie, good conversation...we just wanted to be together.

Our evening began with a trip to the movie store. As we searched through the movies we commented about the various movies we had seen, shared lines from our favorite shows, reminisced about past features watched. It was fun...just being close...comfortable. There's a special warmth that is felt being with someone whom you know loves you so unconditionally as I know this other guy loves me. After browsing through the aisles, we finally made our selection and decided to make our way back to my house.

The rest of the evening was just as special as the time already spent. We snuggled under my favorite blanket...the soft, leopard print one that lays on my couch for those times when the clothes on my back are not enough to keep me warm. We sat with our legs entwined sharing a movie, a bowl of popcorn and mutual admiration.

The movie ended, it was getting late. I did something I wouldn't normally do. I asked him if he wanted to sleep next to me in my bed. He was happy to do so. As I was turning off the lights and preparing for bed, he was thinking of me. He filled a glass of water, which he knows I keep on the small dresser beside the bed. He turned down the covers, fluffed the pillow and made room for me. After retiring, he hugged me close and told me how much he loved me. He said I was the best "in the whole world". We volleyed back and forth expressions of love and admiration with me finally telling him that in whatever way he loves me, I love him "plus one". Then he turned his back to mine, moved close so he could feel me next to him and fell asleep.

So, who was this "other guy" with whom I shared an evening, my love, my bed? It was my son, Ryan. One of the best dates ever....