I originally started this thinking it was going to be a fairly brief post but it went in a completely different direction and turned into a lengthy history lesson. Sorry about that!

I have worked in the field of adoption for the past 12 years. I currently work for a private adoption agency, one that was founded in the late 1800s. In fact, I am the search specialist for this agency. I am fascinated by the history of adoption! One of my favorite places to be is our record room...the room that houses the hundreds of records of children who came to our agency for various reasons and who left, hopefully in the arms and embrace of loving parents.

This is the ideal image but in reality, there is more pain than one would like to imagine. The pain seems to correspond with the time in history. In the late 1800s, early 1900's children came to our agency from the city or rural communities miles away by train or buggy. They came to us for a variety of reasons. In some cases, one or both of their parents had died of a disease that would be easily cured today. Some were placed because their parents were living in poverty with no money or means to care for them. And many were removed from their parent's care due to abuse or neglect. For whatever reason, children came to our agency to be placed in foster care or for adoption. The pain of being separated from their previous familiar surroundings didn't stop there.

Siblings were more often than not separated never to see each other again. The sibling relationship was not valued so was not given thought or consideration. There were identical triplet boys placed with our agency who were given to three separate childless couples. All were eventually adopted and so their last names changed to that of their adoptive parents. Amazingly, as adults two of them ran into each other at a store. It was as though they were looking in the mirror but they brushed it off as coincidence. It wasn't until some time later that they learned they were related and that there was a third! Their reunion was remarkable as one could imagine.

After siblings were placed many tried to reconnect with their brothers and sisters by writing to the agency. Efforts were made to pass along correspondence but many in society felt that one should leave well enough alone, that these children needed to go on with their lives. Foster and adoptive parents sometimes refused letters and never told their new son or daughter that a sibling inquired about them. These people moved on with their lives left with a gaping hole and were never given the tools to deal with their losses.

The goal for these children was adoption but many were returned to our agency for replacement. Some children were returned again and again for displaying what we now know are normal behaviors of children traumatized by abuse, neglect, separation and loss. They were "incorrigible" or "feeble minded", "slow learners" or "lazy". There was actually a school called The School for the Feeble Minded. Back then, a child's emotional state due to past experiences was not considered. They were not supposed to feel or act out their anger or frustration. The children were there to please their foster or adoptive parents.

At that time, there was very little that was or could be done to ensure that these foster parents were appropriate...a one page application with two references. One reference had to be from the pastor of their church and another from a friend or neighbor. It was important for them to have good standing in the community. Families would come to the orphanage to look over the children, trying to choose one that looked like them or a boy who was strong enough to work in the fields or a girl who was able to help around the house. When a choice was made either they would take the child with them or, if they were not at the agency when the child was chosen, the child would be sent to them by train.

Most families did as they were asked and kept in contact with the agency. Home visits were made by staff members or those associated with the agency to gather information about the child's schooling, religious upbringing, whether or not their behaviors were "acceptable" or if the parents were "pleased" with the child. Foster parents were encouraged to adopt and many did. Others were asked to sign a contract. The contract bound them to care for the child until the child was 18 years of age at which time they were to provide the child with "$50 and two suits of clothing". Then, dusting off their hands, their obligation was done!

As times changed, so did adoption. Eventually laws were put into place requiring the state to care for abused and neglected children when their parents could not. Private adoption agencies began working with young expectant mothers who were unmarried. If a woman became pregnant and did not get married, either by choice or due to the unwillingness of the birth father, the birth mother had little choice. These women were victims of societies standards. Many were made to feel they had shamed and humiliated their families. When they started to show they frequently left home for the remainder of the pregnancy, hidden from family and friends. A story was concocted to explain the birth mother's absence when in actuality, these young women were living at the maternity home near by, making arrangements to give their child to other parents to raise.

These woman did not feel they had a choice. If they chose to parent their child, either they, their child or both would be shunned and labeled. Friends and neighbors looked down upon the unwed mother. I am saddened for these women who were never allowed to grieve, never allowed to share their experiences with others. At that time people believed that it was best to never discuss "the issue" again. Many of these women went on with their lives, never telling their future husbands, children, another living soul and they carry this burden with them to their graves.

Again, time changed the face of adoption and for the better. Some will argue that society's morals have disintegrated over time. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, teenagers are getting pregnant left and right, children are being raised without fathers leaving the single mother with the burden of caring for her children alone. Although these realities are sobering, there are positives. It is now acceptable for someone to be unmarried and pregnant. I do not agree this is a good plan but single women and their children will not be labeled, shunned, rejected by society simply because they are unmarried and expecting or born to a single mother.

Women who find themselves in a difficult situation causing them to question their ability to parent have a choice to parent or not. If they chose adoption, they can make this decision knowing that most will praise them for this selfless, loving decision; a decision that clearly places them in a position of terrific pain and loss so their child will have a better future. No longer is their decision tainted by the opinions of society.

Fathers now have rights where they never did before. They are urged to be involved in the adoption planning and have the choice to parent, even if the birth mother does not feel she can.

The most important change is the evolution of the relationship of the triad (the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee). Birth parents now choose the adoptive parents. They meet each other, get to know one another, share information, and make decisions based on the best interest of the child. Information is shared and in many cases will continue to be shared throughout the years. Adoptees are told they are adopted and if their parents do as they should, they encourage their child to ask questions and seek answers about their history. No longer is there a need for secrecy and dishonesty.

Although times have changed, there continue to be hundreds of people who are still feeling the pain of the adoption experience. There are still adoptees living who were separated from their siblings 70 years ago. There are still birth parents afraid to tell anyone their "deep, dark secret". There are still adoptees that were raised not having any access to information about their birth families. There continue to be adoptive parents afraid of losing their son or daughter so have chosen not to even tell them they were adopted or who refuse to discuss the past. There are adoptees who decide not to learn more about their past for fear of hurting their parents who raised them. These are the people I work with. These are the people I care so deeply about. These are the people who have taught me so many valuable lessons, who will make my adoption experience and that of my son's more meaningful and healthy.