"So, what about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? Did you tell him about them?"
They didn't even come to mind given that we were in the midst of the Christmas season. I figured I had gotten the Santa Clause part out of the way...I would tell him the rest eventually. Well, "eventually" came just a few days later.
Every evening the kids and I read books together. We all like to read but it's required homework for Ryan and Grace. Ryan and I usually read books that are a few grades beyond his grade level so we take turns reading but I probably read the majority of the time. On this particular day, Ryan was rather antsy during story time so was bouncing all over the bed, throwing pillows in the air and catching them, putting his feet inside the pillow cases and walking around like he was robot with giant pillow legs. I finally had enough and gave him a brief lecture about reading time. I explained that although I am reading, he must sit beside me and at least read along when it's not his turn to read. After a few more oppositional bouts of misbehavior, he settled by my side. Clearing my throat, I continued...
"But except for the voices of the clocks, Zinkoff is unaware of all this. He is too busy thinking about himself to notice what others are thinking. He is busy growing up. He is busy growing out.
"By the start of fifth grade Zinkoff has grown out..."
I pause...I have a read ahead and I see the words, "...of a whole flock of beliefs: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy..." I may have stopped reading but the boy beside me has not. I burst into laughter as I, again, get pounced upon!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Gingerbread
I am actually writing this in March but I am giving it a December date. I just uploaded some pictures and I definitely wanted to post this one of Grace and the gingerbread house we created. Grace loves...or should I say "loved" to decorate gingerbread houses! Every Christmas season, she begged to get one. This was never a tradition in my family as I was growing up but it is...or should I say "was" becoming one. But after this year, we will probably never build another gingerbread house...at least not when Grace is around.
We had such an awesome time putting our house together. We made the icing to just the right consistency, "glued" the gum drops along the roof top, clipped the gummy mint leaves to create greenery, and did plenty of sampling along the way. And of course, there was Christmas music in the background...Kenny G, Miracles, if remember correctly. There were probably vanilla candles, as well. Ahhhh, the memories...
Then came the begging. "Pleeeeeese, mom...I just want to try it! Can't I have a piece? Why would we make a gingerbread house and then just look at it?" I explained that we, at least, needed to show daddy when he got home. We worked so hard and it was so pretty. We needed to let someone else see it first before we devoured it.
Mike gets home...sees it...then onto the begging. "Pleeeeeese mom! I just want a little piece...I just want to try it!" I made sure we had a picture of it and I gave the kids the okay to "dig in".
Then came the eating...
A few hours later came the stomachache...
Not too long after that came the throwing up.
I should point out that Grace was the only one who was sick...just a lousy coincidence. But just because the gingerbread house was not the cause, this didn't stop Grace from correlating the two. She could not look at the gingerbread house without feeling queasy. We had to hide it! Before she walked into the kitchen she would ask me, "Are you sure I'm not going to see it when I go in there?" The smell made her sick. The thought of it made her sick. We threw it away so she would not have any visual or olfactory reminders.
Maybe next year Grace will have forgotten about the effect the gingerbread house had on her but something tells me that decorating a gingerbread house will not continue to be our yearly tradition.
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Secret
I remember it as if it were yesterday. My sisters and I were decorating the Christmas tree. Our parents were sitting there with smiles on their faces, watching their daughters participate in our yearly tradition. But my mind was filled with thoughts of earlier that day when Bobby told me there wasn't a Santa Clause. I defended Santa vehemently. I knew he was real! I saw him, I sat on his lap and sent my Christmas list to him. There was evidence of his existence...a stocking filled with candy and presents under the tree with his name in the "From" space. I was not ready to give up that magical dream of flying reindeer whisking Santa from roof top to roof top delivering gifts. Should I ask? After mulling it over, I turned to my mom and asked, "Is Santa Clause real?" My sisters paused to see what her response would be.
"Do you want to know the truth?"
"Yes!" But I was secretly hoping she would confirm my belief.
"No, Santa is not real. We give you the presents...we are Santa."
The look on my face prompted my mother to ask if I was okay. I said yes and made some excuse about needing to go to my room. I broke down in tears. Tears of embarrassment, tears of a broken dream. I know...dramatic...but what wasn't at that age?
Now I am passing on this tradition of having my children believe in Santa. Over and over I have thought about the time when my children will ask me the question, "Is he real?" How will I spare them the disillusionment I felt when I learned the truth? Well, that time arrived with Ryan a couple of weeks ago.
"Do you want to know the truth?"
"Yes!" But I was secretly hoping she would confirm my belief.
"No, Santa is not real. We give you the presents...we are Santa."
The look on my face prompted my mother to ask if I was okay. I said yes and made some excuse about needing to go to my room. I broke down in tears. Tears of embarrassment, tears of a broken dream. I know...dramatic...but what wasn't at that age?
Now I am passing on this tradition of having my children believe in Santa. Over and over I have thought about the time when my children will ask me the question, "Is he real?" How will I spare them the disillusionment I felt when I learned the truth? Well, that time arrived with Ryan a couple of weeks ago.
My sister, Cheryl, had come over to the house to help Ryan with a school project while I gave Nathan a bath, read to Grace and got them ready for bed. She called me shortly after she left and explained that Ryan was asking her if the story of Santa Clause was truth or fiction. Earlier that day, a boy in Ryan's class announced his knowledge that his parents were actually the one's who give him gifts from Santa. He relayed the story of how he snuck out of his room last year witnessing his parents wrapping gifts and filling his stocking. The next morning he realized the presents he was opening from "Santa" were in the identical gift wrap his parents were using the night before. He put two and two together...
Cheryl didn't know what to tell Ryan so she confirmed that Santa is real and then called me to let me know that Ryan is questioning his existence. I had already been toying with the thought of telling Ryan the truth. I wanted him to know before he found himself in the position of defending Santa as I did when I was a child.
Ryan got ready for bed and, true to our usual routine, I went into his room to have "a talk" and to say goodnight. I grasped for the right words. Maybe I could get him to ask me about it...that would be a place to start...but how could I get him to ask me???
I started talking about Christmas and Santa but that didn't seem to be working so I finally decided the direct approach was probably better.
"Ryan, I have an adult secret to tell you and I am trying to decide if you are old enough to hear it."
Ryan looked at me wide eyed. I could just see the wheels turning...of course he would want to know an adult secret!!!! "Yes, Mom, I'm old enough...tell me!!!"
I asked Ryan if he wanted to know the truth about Santa. He answered in the affirmative so I apprehensively announced to him that his Dad and I are Santa and waited for his reaction.
He sat there for a moment staring at me in disbelief, mouth and eyes wide open, looking surprised. Then he smiled, started laughing and tackled me saying, "You rascal!" (Where he gets phrases like that, I have no idea!). He repeated over and over, "I am in shock! I don't believe it!" At the same time he admitted there was part of him that doubted a man could bring toys to every child in the world, in one night, being transported by a bunch of reindeer. He said that sounded a little silly. After this news sunk in he told me he wished I wouldn't have told him because he had plans to go to the North Pole someday to visit Santa's workshop. I pointed out to him that whether I told him the truth or not, there still wouldn't have been a Santa's Workshop on the North Pole.
It took Ryan awhile to reorganize his beliefs to make sense of the world again. That evening he got out of bed about ten times to ask me questions about Santa, reindeer, stockings, presents, where his Christmas lists had gone, etc. He eventually fell asleep.
Later, I told Mike about what had transpired that night and about how I revealed the truth about Santa. After he thought about it awhile, he asked, "What about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny?" Ugh...We'll cross that bridge when we come to it!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Good Bye, Montana...
Saturday was a difficult day. Much different from that day 16 1/2 years ago when my sister and I browsed the adoption center at the Humane Society in search of dogs to call our own. I picked a sad-looking dog with spots on his tongue. This little black puppy was sitting in his poop and I was just sure no one else would want him. He was a Lab-Shepard mix, clearly looking more like a Lab. Sandy chose his brother...a playful, black, brown and tan puppy resembling a German Shepard. We named them. Mike and I named our dog Dakota, which means "friend". Sandy chose the name Montana.
Later that same year, our family acquired another canine...a short haired Chihuahua-Terrier mix, whom we named Lexi. This dog belonged to my mom. We all lived together but each of us were raising our own dogs.
Through time and circumstance, Mike and I ended up with all three dogs. Phew! It has not been easy. Dakota was very athletic and could effortlessly clear the top of most fences. And all of the dogs loved to "door dash" whenever the opportunity presented itself. I remember them coming home, happily panting after their hour long trek around the neighborhood, smelling like they rolled in dead animal and trash. Baths all around!
Although having three dogs was a bit overwhelming, there were good times. Montana and Dakota could wrestle around in the back yard for hours. Lexi would also join in but was a bit crabbier than the boys and would "punish" them with a scolding bark if they got too rough. When we took Dakota for a walk he would take the leash in his mouth. It looked like he was walking himself. Dakota also had this awesome ability to smell a rock and fetch the same one from under water. That was impressive!
Lexi established herself as the queen. She used to guard the food bowls and would not allow the boys to eat until she was done....well...and even when she was full. When we realized the dog bowls were staying full (and when Dakota and Montana started looking at us as though we were going to be their next meal), we had to intervene. Eventually, they had to eat on separate floors! Otherwise, Dakota and Montana would have starved to death.
Montana, who had a loving but protective nature, was wonderful with children. They could climb on him, pull his ears, tail and hair, but he would never snap. Just a low growl indicating he had enough. He was probably the most loyal of the three and by far, the best behaved! All of the dogs brought so much to our lives...more than we realized or appreciated!
Time passes so quickly, especially for a dog. A couple of years ago, we lost Dakota to cancer. That was hard but we still had a part of him...Montana. The past couple of years have not been good for him. His heart has been strong but his body was not. Most mornings he had difficulty standing and when he did, his back legs would give out. His arthritis must have been painful but he never complained. We knew it was time. Making "the appointment" was hard but walking him into the office on Saturday morning was even more of an emotional challenge.
Mike and I lifted him up on the table and scratched him in all of his favorite places...his ears, his belly, his back...he just laid there waiting. As the medication took effect, we could feel him relax and sensed the release of his soul. I can only pray that there is special place in heaven for dogs and that he is there reunited with his brother.
Later that same year, our family acquired another canine...a short haired Chihuahua-Terrier mix, whom we named Lexi. This dog belonged to my mom. We all lived together but each of us were raising our own dogs.
Through time and circumstance, Mike and I ended up with all three dogs. Phew! It has not been easy. Dakota was very athletic and could effortlessly clear the top of most fences. And all of the dogs loved to "door dash" whenever the opportunity presented itself. I remember them coming home, happily panting after their hour long trek around the neighborhood, smelling like they rolled in dead animal and trash. Baths all around!
Although having three dogs was a bit overwhelming, there were good times. Montana and Dakota could wrestle around in the back yard for hours. Lexi would also join in but was a bit crabbier than the boys and would "punish" them with a scolding bark if they got too rough. When we took Dakota for a walk he would take the leash in his mouth. It looked like he was walking himself. Dakota also had this awesome ability to smell a rock and fetch the same one from under water. That was impressive!
Lexi established herself as the queen. She used to guard the food bowls and would not allow the boys to eat until she was done....well...and even when she was full. When we realized the dog bowls were staying full (and when Dakota and Montana started looking at us as though we were going to be their next meal), we had to intervene. Eventually, they had to eat on separate floors! Otherwise, Dakota and Montana would have starved to death.
Montana, who had a loving but protective nature, was wonderful with children. They could climb on him, pull his ears, tail and hair, but he would never snap. Just a low growl indicating he had enough. He was probably the most loyal of the three and by far, the best behaved! All of the dogs brought so much to our lives...more than we realized or appreciated!
Time passes so quickly, especially for a dog. A couple of years ago, we lost Dakota to cancer. That was hard but we still had a part of him...Montana. The past couple of years have not been good for him. His heart has been strong but his body was not. Most mornings he had difficulty standing and when he did, his back legs would give out. His arthritis must have been painful but he never complained. We knew it was time. Making "the appointment" was hard but walking him into the office on Saturday morning was even more of an emotional challenge.
Mike and I lifted him up on the table and scratched him in all of his favorite places...his ears, his belly, his back...he just laid there waiting. As the medication took effect, we could feel him relax and sensed the release of his soul. I can only pray that there is special place in heaven for dogs and that he is there reunited with his brother.
Monday, November 3, 2008
No Boys Allowed!
One day last week, Grace posted this sign on her door. You can read the "No Boys allowed in my room". Under that she wrote, "Dad, you and Nathan can come in my room." It would have been easier just to write "Ryan not allowed"! Anyway, I plan on keeping this note on her door until she is out of the house. :-)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween
"My Radio Flyer Truck"
"Wow, a real live fire fighter!"
Mom/Grandma, Nathan and Summer
"Where is the fire? I'm going to put it out with sugar!"
Cheeeeeeeese!
Howdy y'all!
Ryan doing his Ninja stance!
Some believe Halloween is a Satanic holiday. I know a couple of people who choose not to participate in Halloween and I respect that completely! I admire anyone who feels strongly enough about something to live their beliefs. Especially when their choice might not be a popular one. But I look at Halloween differently.
I guess to some it would appear that Halloween is "evil" and that the participation in such translates into the celebration of evil. I decided to research the origins to determine if Halloween is actually a satanic holiday. What I learned was that it is not. It comes from Celtic custom, which is Pagan (not Satanic) in nature, which marked the end of the harvest season. When seasons changed the Druid's believed that there was one night when the dead could communicate with the living. I won't go into a huge history lesson but if you are interested, here is one minister's research about the celebration: http://www.new-life.net/halowen1.htm.
So, I guess the question becomes, should we participate in a celebration that has a Pagan origin? Maybe we shouldn't put up the Christmas tree either. It's my understanding that the Christmas tree is also Pagan in origin. Should African Americans not celebrate Kwanzaa? The individual who began Kwanzaa, Robert Karenga, tortured some of his followers, two women, whom he believed tried to poison him. He spoke of a desire to create an all black nation, separate from whites. He expressed hostility toward both Christianity and Judaism and set the holiday close to Christmas for this reason. My point is that our choice to participate in a yearly celebration that has an origin or whose symbols have an origin derived from a different belief system, doesn't translate into us encouraging an opposing belief system. Are there people who celebrate Kwanzaa who are racist? Sure. Are there people who participate in Halloween who celebrate evil? I am sure that is the case. But we don't. That's not what our family is about.
So, why do I allow my children to dress up in costume and go door-to-door for candy? I agree with what this person wrote, "We don't worship other gods or honor the dead on Halloween. Halloween is nothing but a secular time of fun and games -- an excuse for the kids to dress up and overload on sugar!"
So, why do I allow my children to dress up in costume and go door-to-door for candy? I agree with what this person wrote, "We don't worship other gods or honor the dead on Halloween. Halloween is nothing but a secular time of fun and games -- an excuse for the kids to dress up and overload on sugar!"
Thursday, October 30, 2008
October Update
Maybe I should just retire from blogging. Finding time to sit down and jot down my thoughts seems impossible. Instead, they just swim around in my head, hoping to jump onto "paper" but after getting the kids to bed, I end up sitting on the couch, curled up with my blanket, to catch whatever show comes on at 9 p.m. and then I fall asleep. Mike calls it "assuming the position".
Since I don't have a lot of time, I will try to quickly list the happenings in my life over this past month. Since the majority of the time was spent working, helping kids with homework, getting them to bed, and sleeping, I will leave those off the list so the list should be very short.
1) I got a ticket driving the wrong way on a one-way road in a construction zone. I NEVER go this particular route because the road is closed going one direction but I was sort of forced to turn this way one day so decided, "Just this once." Ughhh! And there he was. I needed to turn right onto a street and he was making a left (going the correct way)...right there when I was breaking the law! But he was really nice and I actually wrote him a letter letting him know how much I appreciated him. It probably seems strange that I would write a letter thanking an officer in this situation but I was thankful for the example he gave to my children, especially after the violence my niece experienced at the hands of a police officer and the effect that situation had on my family. That's another story...
2) Nathan learned how to take off his diaper for easier access to Little Willie. The other day I found him sitting on the couch, diaper off, hand "there", watching TV. I thought, "This looks familiar!" What is it about boys/men watching TV with their hand resting "there"? Things that make you go "hmmmmm".
3) Nathan's language is coming along but I can't WAIT until he can say "truck", "walk" and "fork" without it always sounding like F@!#. The Parent's As Teachers lady suggested, when he mispronounces a word, that I state the word the way he just said it and then say the proper word like this..."Do you mean mit or milk?" That way he can hear the difference between his pronunciation and the proper one. In most cases, I have been doing that but when it comes to the words above...well...I can't for obvious reasons. I would never hear the end of it from the other kids. Anyway, it's a little embarrassing when we are in public and he is walking around saying "Mama, f@!#".
4) Grace finally lost both of her upper front teeth. THAT took forever. Her last tooth was just hanging there. I told her once that she looked like Nanny McPhee. So, she pushed her tooth forward so it was the only one hanging out of her mouth and said, "That's enough now!"...which is a line in Nanny McPhee. I laughed so hard. Anyway, she would NOT let me pull it. It was driving me crazy! Confession...I even snuck into her room when she sleeping just to try to wiggle it! I didn't get it but it fell out the next day. So, now she is a cute little 7 year old with no front teeth. She is soooooo adorable!
5) Ryan continues to be totally obsessed with Pokemon cards! Is this normal? He's like a Pokemon junky. I think I am going to need to do an intervention and soon before I lose him to this other world.
6) Ryan also lost a tooth. In fact, last night he wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy. It said, "Instead of money, please leave me three packs of Pokemon cards." See what I mean? Junky, right? He wrote two notes before that. One said, "Dear Tooth Fairy, I will only accept $10". The second note read, "Dear Tooth Fairy, I will only accept Pokemon cards." We explained that making demands of the Tooth Fairy was probably not the best way to get what he wanted." So, he changed the note and got $3. The next morning he ran over to me and showed me the money and said, "The Tooth Fairy didn't give me Pokemon cards but she gave me money so I can go buy Pokemon cards!"
7) Mike, Cheryl and I went to the hockey game last Friday. I had sooooooooo much fun but I barely watched the game. Sarah Palin was there to drop the puck. The reaction from the crowd was amazing. Most people cheered...I being one of them. I happen to really like Sarah Palin. What I didn't get were the people that booed with such hate and vengeance and banged on the glass as if Sarah Palin single-handedly killed everyone in their family. Get a grip! Anyway, we spent most of our time talking to friends. I spend so much time in my "mommy world" that I forget what it's like to actually go out and socialize. I was energized for three days after.
8) We went to my sister, Annica's, baby shower last Saturday. It was a lot of fun. I love those little shower games, especially the dirty diaper one where they put different things in a diaper and you have to guess what it is. I won that game, btw. But there was this other game we played and I completely pissed off one of the other guests! When we arrived we were each given a necklace with a little plastic pacifier attached. The rule was if anyone said the word "baby" and you caught them, you got the necklace. Whomever had the most necklaces at the end, won a prize. Anyway, there was this woman...I didn't know her at all...whom I decided to trick. This had worked for my sister earlier in the evening so I thought I would try it. I asked her, "Hey, Where is Annica registered?" She politely responded, "Babies R Us". I smiled and asked her for her necklaces. Ohhhhh, she was not happy! So much for fun and games. For some reason the person next to her took her necklace and said she heard it first. I wasn't about to get in a brawl over it so I just let it go. When my "victim" left she said that it was nice to meet everyone except for me. :-( Boo hoo. Actually, I don't really care. It was only a silly game and she was a poor sport!
9) Ryan and Grace had a fall festible (that's how Grace pronounces it) at their school. That was fun! There were games, prizes, cheap food, raffle baskets that I didn't win, etc.
10) On Saturday we are going to a Trivia Night. If we win, it will NOT be because I contributed anything! I love to go to trivia nights but I benefit the team best as a member of the cheering section than anywhere else.
Well...looky there....I actually found some time to write something. But don't expect anything for awhile. Now that the holiday season is approaching, I am sure I will be busier than ever!
Since I don't have a lot of time, I will try to quickly list the happenings in my life over this past month. Since the majority of the time was spent working, helping kids with homework, getting them to bed, and sleeping, I will leave those off the list so the list should be very short.
1) I got a ticket driving the wrong way on a one-way road in a construction zone. I NEVER go this particular route because the road is closed going one direction but I was sort of forced to turn this way one day so decided, "Just this once." Ughhh! And there he was. I needed to turn right onto a street and he was making a left (going the correct way)...right there when I was breaking the law! But he was really nice and I actually wrote him a letter letting him know how much I appreciated him. It probably seems strange that I would write a letter thanking an officer in this situation but I was thankful for the example he gave to my children, especially after the violence my niece experienced at the hands of a police officer and the effect that situation had on my family. That's another story...
2) Nathan learned how to take off his diaper for easier access to Little Willie. The other day I found him sitting on the couch, diaper off, hand "there", watching TV. I thought, "This looks familiar!" What is it about boys/men watching TV with their hand resting "there"? Things that make you go "hmmmmm".
3) Nathan's language is coming along but I can't WAIT until he can say "truck", "walk" and "fork" without it always sounding like F@!#. The Parent's As Teachers lady suggested, when he mispronounces a word, that I state the word the way he just said it and then say the proper word like this..."Do you mean mit or milk?" That way he can hear the difference between his pronunciation and the proper one. In most cases, I have been doing that but when it comes to the words above...well...I can't for obvious reasons. I would never hear the end of it from the other kids. Anyway, it's a little embarrassing when we are in public and he is walking around saying "Mama, f@!#".
4) Grace finally lost both of her upper front teeth. THAT took forever. Her last tooth was just hanging there. I told her once that she looked like Nanny McPhee. So, she pushed her tooth forward so it was the only one hanging out of her mouth and said, "That's enough now!"...which is a line in Nanny McPhee. I laughed so hard. Anyway, she would NOT let me pull it. It was driving me crazy! Confession...I even snuck into her room when she sleeping just to try to wiggle it! I didn't get it but it fell out the next day. So, now she is a cute little 7 year old with no front teeth. She is soooooo adorable!
5) Ryan continues to be totally obsessed with Pokemon cards! Is this normal? He's like a Pokemon junky. I think I am going to need to do an intervention and soon before I lose him to this other world.
6) Ryan also lost a tooth. In fact, last night he wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy. It said, "Instead of money, please leave me three packs of Pokemon cards." See what I mean? Junky, right? He wrote two notes before that. One said, "Dear Tooth Fairy, I will only accept $10". The second note read, "Dear Tooth Fairy, I will only accept Pokemon cards." We explained that making demands of the Tooth Fairy was probably not the best way to get what he wanted." So, he changed the note and got $3. The next morning he ran over to me and showed me the money and said, "The Tooth Fairy didn't give me Pokemon cards but she gave me money so I can go buy Pokemon cards!"
7) Mike, Cheryl and I went to the hockey game last Friday. I had sooooooooo much fun but I barely watched the game. Sarah Palin was there to drop the puck. The reaction from the crowd was amazing. Most people cheered...I being one of them. I happen to really like Sarah Palin. What I didn't get were the people that booed with such hate and vengeance and banged on the glass as if Sarah Palin single-handedly killed everyone in their family. Get a grip! Anyway, we spent most of our time talking to friends. I spend so much time in my "mommy world" that I forget what it's like to actually go out and socialize. I was energized for three days after.
8) We went to my sister, Annica's, baby shower last Saturday. It was a lot of fun. I love those little shower games, especially the dirty diaper one where they put different things in a diaper and you have to guess what it is. I won that game, btw. But there was this other game we played and I completely pissed off one of the other guests! When we arrived we were each given a necklace with a little plastic pacifier attached. The rule was if anyone said the word "baby" and you caught them, you got the necklace. Whomever had the most necklaces at the end, won a prize. Anyway, there was this woman...I didn't know her at all...whom I decided to trick. This had worked for my sister earlier in the evening so I thought I would try it. I asked her, "Hey, Where is Annica registered?" She politely responded, "Babies R Us". I smiled and asked her for her necklaces. Ohhhhh, she was not happy! So much for fun and games. For some reason the person next to her took her necklace and said she heard it first. I wasn't about to get in a brawl over it so I just let it go. When my "victim" left she said that it was nice to meet everyone except for me. :-( Boo hoo. Actually, I don't really care. It was only a silly game and she was a poor sport!
9) Ryan and Grace had a fall festible (that's how Grace pronounces it) at their school. That was fun! There were games, prizes, cheap food, raffle baskets that I didn't win, etc.
10) On Saturday we are going to a Trivia Night. If we win, it will NOT be because I contributed anything! I love to go to trivia nights but I benefit the team best as a member of the cheering section than anywhere else.
Well...looky there....I actually found some time to write something. But don't expect anything for awhile. Now that the holiday season is approaching, I am sure I will be busier than ever!
Friday, September 26, 2008
A couple of weeks ago we took a little day trip to Elephant Rocks State Park. Whenever we go there, we like to stop along the way at the Sandy Creek Covered Bridge. This is one of the last covered bridges in Missouri. Here are a few pictures. And of course we had to take those goofy pictures where we're pretending to hold up or push over the rocks. Ryan was actually a little worried that one would start rolling down the hill.
I felt so bad for Nathan. He ended up getting sick that day. He was fine when we were at the covered bridge but wouldn't eat anything. By the time we got to the park, he had a fever but we didn't have any Tylenol or Advil. It was probably a good thing that he didn't feel like climbing. All he wanted to do was sit in his stroller. At the end, we gave him a grape Capri Sun, which he promptly threw up all over Mike. He felt MUCH better after that. (Nathan, that is) Mike didn't have a shirt to change into so, embarrassed by his golfer's tan, traveled home covered by a Harry Potter towel. I could not stop laughing!
The Lemonade Stand
I wrote this some time ago...right after Labor Day weekend...but I just found time to upload my pictures to my computer so I could post them.
This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a long time. Saturday morning, I got out of bed and began my usual routine of getting the kids ready for the day, making breakfast, and cleaning the house. I looked over at our kitchen table and there sat two coolers and a huge container of lemonade. I am embarrassed to say they had been sitting there for the past two weeks...since our pool party on the 17th. I managed to clean them but had not returned them to their usual location in the dark recesses of our basement. Anyway, it gave me an idea. As Ryan, Grace and Nathan were eating I asked if they would like to have a lemonade stand. They were excited about this business venture so our work began.
We started discussing our "business plan". Ryan was listening intently. Grace was dancing around the kitchen, falling to the floor, playing with Nathan...basically bored with the discussion. She agreed she wanted to be a part of the venture but planning was not her thing. She decided to go next door to play with Alli. By default, Ryan became the manager of the business.
With entrepreneurial spirit, I took this as an opportunity to teach Ryan a little bit about how to run a small business. We began making a list of what was needed for the lemonade stand, itemizing our expenses and discussing the meaning of "overhead". We discussed advertising as he drew the word "Lemonade" with black bubble letters on a sign. When Grace returned home, she decorated the sign with markers and crayons. Ryan wasn't too pleased with her making changes to his sign but then we started talking about ways to make your business unique and memorable. First impressions are very important so a bright colored sign was not a bad thing. Ryan thought about this and thanked Grace for her efforts.
We discussed the expenses of the business. We told Ryan that we would go shopping to get some things we needed such as ice and cups, but he was expected to pay us back. This launched us into a discussion about credit and interest. We told him that we would not charge interest but in "the real world", when you borrow money, you pay much more than the original price...sometimes several times as much.
Ryan accompanied Mike to the store to buy some things that were needed. As they walked through the aisles they talked about the quality of the product, figuring out what to charge and about the correlation of supply and demand. They also decided to add a second product to sell at the stand...rice crispie treats! This led them into a deeper discussion about the quality of your product. Would people rather have "store bought" rice crispie treats or "home made"? Also, which one was more cost effective? Mike and Ryan decided to conduct an experiment about which one would benefit the business more so purchased both. Ryan's position was that most people would want the premade treats. Mike was confident that people would prefer homemade. Also, Mike pointed out, that many more treats can be made if they were made at home.
After they returned home we made the lemonade and the rice crispie treats. We set up a canopy, which was originally intended to offer shade to Ryan and his "employees". We were pleasantly surprised when we realized that people were coming down our street to see what was going on at our house because the canopy caught their eye. Ryan hired two employees (Grace and Alli), we posted the sign, set out the products including both types of treats, and they were in business.
Business was slow at first. Ryan, Grace and Alli were sitting in their chairs, watching cars pass by. We started talking about how to draw people to their business. They decided that jumping up and down and yelling "LEMONADE!!!!" was a good idea. They were happy to find that this worked and business picked up a little. During down time, we talked about ways to draw more customers if this were a real business. I asked if we were in a good location. Grace pointed out that the mall would be a better place because there were more people. All three of the kids came up with excellent ideas about how to make this business more successful. I had to leave for a short time. When I returned they excitedly shared stories of customers buying lemonade. Ryan came to the conclusion that it's best if an adult is not present! Interesting. I decided to watch from inside the house.
It was a short time later when Ryan came running in to tell me that Alli got mad and kicked over the lemonade stand. When I went outside to see what was wrong I realized that a) Alli did not kick over the stand and b) this disgruntled employee had a valid reason for her complaint. This brought us to another discussion about the importance of treating employees fairly and letting them know they are valued. We talked about how important employees are to the success of a business. Although this little conflict blew over, it was soon after that both Ryan's employee's quit. Being Labor Day weekend and the last days the pool would be open, Grace and Alli examined their priorities and decided swimming was more important. Ryan compensated them ($3.00 each) for their time and off they went.
Ryan tried to keep the business going on his own but he discovered that having employees not only made the job more enjoyable, they were also very much needed. He hired two more employees, Devin and Summer, who did an excellent job helping him out until the end of the day.
Eventually, Ryan decided to close shop as business had slowed considerably and he wanted some time to play. After we cleaned up, Ryan paid Summer and Devin and counted the remainder of his money. He had about $10. His heart sank when he realized that the expenses would greatly reduce his profit. I had him imagine all of the things that would have been expenses had we not already had them handy...the canopy, chairs, coolers, crayons, markers, poster board, tape, lemonade, and a driveway! I explained that most small business don't turn a profit for three years! Then I let him off the hook and told him he could keep his money. That put a smile on his face and for the next couple of days he talked about the lawn mowing and leaf raking businesses he was going to start.
As for our experiment with the Rice Crispie Treats, we learned that most people prefer the Rice Crispie Treats made at home. But apparently, the homemade treats weren't as desirable to kids. For some reason, they wanted the individual, pre-packaged item. Hmmmm...I wonder why that is. An experiment for another day, I guess.
Monday, August 18, 2008
August Rush
Although the title of this post is the name of a recent movie, it is also a term adequately describing this month. The beginning of school, the return of Boy Scout meetings and violin lessons, gymnastics lessons, two birthdays (and parties), and we have happily added an adoption to the month. The start of school also brings with it Meet the Teacher night, parent/child school orientation, PTA meetings, and homework. Needless to say, I'm exhausted!
It's interesting to compare the perspective of the child's versus the parents. I remember a carefree childhood, walking to and from school, playing with friends, coming in for dinner when I was called, the dreaded announcement of "bath time" (that always meant I had to come in early), laughing (or arguing) with my sisters, bed time stories about Brer Rabbit and Brer Bear...etc. I don't recall being rushed or feeling any need for organization or responsibility. But as an adult I feel much more pressure to get things done on time, to fit it all in in a day, to keep things organized, etc. Do my children notice this? Do they sense the pressure I experience? Or are they living the same type of carefree childhood I had, oblivious of the pressures of the adult world? I hope so.
It's interesting to compare the perspective of the child's versus the parents. I remember a carefree childhood, walking to and from school, playing with friends, coming in for dinner when I was called, the dreaded announcement of "bath time" (that always meant I had to come in early), laughing (or arguing) with my sisters, bed time stories about Brer Rabbit and Brer Bear...etc. I don't recall being rushed or feeling any need for organization or responsibility. But as an adult I feel much more pressure to get things done on time, to fit it all in in a day, to keep things organized, etc. Do my children notice this? Do they sense the pressure I experience? Or are they living the same type of carefree childhood I had, oblivious of the pressures of the adult world? I hope so.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
It's a Boy!!!!
Most children join a family at birth in a hospital. Our son officially...legally...joined our family in a court room. We entered the court room surrounded by family...the people who will love, support and help raise our children along with us. Our attorney sat to our right. A social worker to our left. The judge in front of us. We raised our right hand vowing to tell the truth and the hearing began.
Tim (our attorney) asked me a series of questions: Will you state your name for the record? Where do you live? Are you married to the man sitting next to you? What was the date of your marriage? What is Nathan's birth date? When was he placed in your home? Is it your intention to finalize the adoption of Nathan today? Do you believe you can care for, maintain and educate Nathan? Do you believe this adoption is in Nathan's best interest? I answered all of these questions...they were familiar. I've heard them a hundred times before only I was the adoption specialist, not the adoptive parent.
Then it was Mike's turn: Where you present in the courtroom when your wife was asked the previous questions? If you were asked the same questions would your answers be the same? Do you believe this adoption is in Nathan's best interest?
When the attorneys were through with us, they turned to the social worker, asking about our ability to care for, maintain and educate Nathan but my mind was wandering. I was staring at Nathan, so proud of this little boy who in just moments would be my son. I couldn't imagine my life without him and quietly thanked God for bringing him into our lives. I glanced over at Ryan and Grace...two amazing children who love having Nathan as their little brother, who are protective of him, care for him, love him and fully accept him as though born to our family. But today he was born to us...born in a court room with a judge announcing his birth...
"The court finds that the adoption of this child is in the child's best interest and from this day forward for all intents and purposes shall be the child of the petitioner and that his name shall be changed to Nathaniel William Ray...."
Monday, August 4, 2008
Grace's Joke
Mike was telling Ryan and Grace jokes this evening and Grace came up with one of her own. Here it is:
Grace: Why did the elephant fly on a plane?
Mike: Why?
Grace: So he could take a trip to Florida.
I don't know about you, but I thought that was the funniest joke ever!
Grace: Why did the elephant fly on a plane?
Mike: Why?
Grace: So he could take a trip to Florida.
I don't know about you, but I thought that was the funniest joke ever!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Chivalry
The other day after work I picked the kids up from my moms and came home. It was raining. My hands were full. I was carrying a toddler, a case I brought home from work, my purse, Nathan's shoes, which he insists on taking off every time we are in the car, and an umbrella. I gave my keys to Ryan so he could unlock the door. He and Grace ran ahead. I was walking up the stairs to the door just as Ryan turned the doorknob. He and Grace walk in and SLAM...the door shuts. I am still standing outside. I opened the door, barely holding on to the contents in my arms. I immediately turn to Ryan and explain that he should hold the door open for me. This enters us into a conversation about chivalry.
Ryan doesn't quite understand. He feels that what I am saying is that females are more important that males. I try to explain that holding the door open for a girl/woman in no way means that females have greater importance. We discuss how God made men and women differently and how men, historically, were the protectors and caretakers of the family.
I find myself awkwardly trying to explain the meaning of chivalry. The term was historically used in medieval times and was a code of courtesy, especially of a man toward a woman. At that time, it was believed that women were the fairer or weaker sex and one of the duties of a knight was to serve their lady and to be gracious and gentle with all women. But times have changed, obviously. The line between the roles of men and women are blurred. I am not against this by any means. But as I get older, I can see the individual gifts that we each have. I can see how and why we were created differently. And in some way, I wish the roles were more clearly defined.
So, I'm looking for advice. Should a boy still be taught to be chivalrous? If so, how do I explain to my boys why this is important?
Ryan doesn't quite understand. He feels that what I am saying is that females are more important that males. I try to explain that holding the door open for a girl/woman in no way means that females have greater importance. We discuss how God made men and women differently and how men, historically, were the protectors and caretakers of the family.
I find myself awkwardly trying to explain the meaning of chivalry. The term was historically used in medieval times and was a code of courtesy, especially of a man toward a woman. At that time, it was believed that women were the fairer or weaker sex and one of the duties of a knight was to serve their lady and to be gracious and gentle with all women. But times have changed, obviously. The line between the roles of men and women are blurred. I am not against this by any means. But as I get older, I can see the individual gifts that we each have. I can see how and why we were created differently. And in some way, I wish the roles were more clearly defined.
So, I'm looking for advice. Should a boy still be taught to be chivalrous? If so, how do I explain to my boys why this is important?
Friday, July 25, 2008
Buyer's Remorse
Mike has been driving a Ford Ranger since before we were married. He racked up 250,000 miles. He hasn't had air conditioning in about three years. For those who know him, you can imagine how he, especially, is completely miserable. Secondly, the transmission is shot. When he's driving he has to skip fourth gear because it will get stuck there. He forgot a couple of times and we had to have it towed. To make things even more unpleasant for him, he can barely get the thing in reverse without everyone turning their heads to determine if the truck is actually going to explode. Also, every once in awhile, for no apparent reason, the alarm will go off. Needless to say, it's time.
So, today we set off in search of a new car! We did our research analyzing specs, pricing, and the various features. We narrowed it down to the car we wanted. We planned our strategy ahead of time.
1) We weren't going to test drive the car...at least not in the beginning. We wanted to know what the price was going to be. What would be the point of driving the car if we couldn't agree on a price? We also didn't want to fall in love in the car before the negotiation. We knew what we wanted but didn't want this to be an "emotional" decision. AND when we did test drive the car...it would be by ourselves! No way were we going to have some high pressure sales person riding along with us.
2) We weren't going to buy today. We were going take the first offer to another dealership to see if they could beat that price. Our salesperson might be begging for us to stay but we weren't going to. Sure, we would give them our cell number and if they could come up with something better, they could just give us a call and we would consider it. But they were going to have to work for our money!
3) We were going to demand free financing. Other dealerships offer this...we saw the ads.
4) We had a number set in our minds and we firmly agreed not to go above that point! Non-negotiable.
5) There was no way we were going to get the extended warranty.
So, we pulled into dealership parking lot, looked at each other before getting out of the car and took a deep breath. Suddenly I felt like I was in a Western. We got off our horses with our spurs jingling. Mike spit on the dusty ground and adjusted the hat on his head and the gun on his side. Off in the distance, we noticed the enemy. Dirty and unshaven, he gave us a cold stare, eyeing up his opponent. With bowed legs and our hands near our sides, ready to grab our guns in a split second we walked toward each other.
"Hi, how are you folks doing today? Can I help you with something?" Okay, he was actually this really nice salesperson. Chris was his name. Firm handshake, good eye contact, clean shaven and not dirty at all, as far as I could tell. But no matter how much we liked him, we would not stray from the plan. We told him what we were interested in and he led the way. We were looking over the cars when he asked, "Would you like to take it for a drive?" Mike and I looked at each other. "Yes...sure". So, Mike and I got in the front and Chris hopped in the back. So much for #1 of our strategy. So far, not so good!
As we were driving , Chris pointed out the features. We also learned more about him...not at his urging...at mine. I tend to want to know people so in those moments of silence I thought I would ask him some questions. He was a senior in college, majoring in finance with an emphasis in real estate. He doesn't mind selling cars but it's not his favorite thing to do. He hoped to get into banking following graduation. He did his share of partying in college but was able to maintain a balance that allowed him to be successful in school. When his hair was longer he looked like Will Ferrell and in fact, talks like him, after a few beers. He gets the music they play at the dealership stuck in his head and sometimes finds himself dancing to 80s music. We, in fact, witnessed this for ourselves when he didn't know we were looking. I really liked this guy. I wanted him to earn the commission on this sale. Uh-oh...this wasn't good.
We completed our test drive and went inside. Chris sat us down in a glass cubicle and left to get the specs sheet and pricing information. When he returned he asked, "So, what would it take for you to leave with a car today?" And the negotiation began. We told him what we wanted...the model, the features...but not the price we were considering. We explained that we had no intention of buying today. We would be going to another dealership after we left. He gave us a number. No good...we won't go above THIS number.
Then they bring in the big guns...Greg! He is the stereotypical car salesman...so stereotypical it made me chuckle. Slicked back long hair, tan as can be, with an arrogance you can practically taste! He handed us his business card. His name is Greg "Armani" (can I throw up now?) and had the same last name as ours...and did they try to use that to their advantage!
We continued the back and forth. We threatened to walk a couple of times. We seem so tough, don't we? In actuality we had NO idea what we were doing. They would leave and I would call my sister asking for advice. Mike and I would whisper to each other our questions and concerns about the process but when "Armani" walked in, we feigned confidence. "We must have free financing." "No can do!" "Alrighty then...we'll go ahead and just take the 3.9%"
Four hours and several thousands of dollars later we agreed. Phew! On to the next phase...financing. And we thought the negotiating was over. Of course they had to push the extended warranty. They explained several packages of extended warranties that would make our monthly payment higher than we could ever imagine paying. We were firm...no, no, no, no, no! But they had one more trick up their sleeve. The finance specialist spoke to Armani. He liked us SO much that he decided to "adopt" us since we have the same last name! (Gag me!) So, we were offered the employee rate! N-O! At least we followed one part of our well thought out plan.
Finally, Mike and I walked out the door, satisfied with our purchase, happy that a college student would be earning the commission. We're almost to the car when I turn around and look at our salesman, Chris. Did I just see him blowing the smoke from his gun and putting it back in the holster? Crap!
So, today we set off in search of a new car! We did our research analyzing specs, pricing, and the various features. We narrowed it down to the car we wanted. We planned our strategy ahead of time.
1) We weren't going to test drive the car...at least not in the beginning. We wanted to know what the price was going to be. What would be the point of driving the car if we couldn't agree on a price? We also didn't want to fall in love in the car before the negotiation. We knew what we wanted but didn't want this to be an "emotional" decision. AND when we did test drive the car...it would be by ourselves! No way were we going to have some high pressure sales person riding along with us.
2) We weren't going to buy today. We were going take the first offer to another dealership to see if they could beat that price. Our salesperson might be begging for us to stay but we weren't going to. Sure, we would give them our cell number and if they could come up with something better, they could just give us a call and we would consider it. But they were going to have to work for our money!
3) We were going to demand free financing. Other dealerships offer this...we saw the ads.
4) We had a number set in our minds and we firmly agreed not to go above that point! Non-negotiable.
5) There was no way we were going to get the extended warranty.
So, we pulled into dealership parking lot, looked at each other before getting out of the car and took a deep breath. Suddenly I felt like I was in a Western. We got off our horses with our spurs jingling. Mike spit on the dusty ground and adjusted the hat on his head and the gun on his side. Off in the distance, we noticed the enemy. Dirty and unshaven, he gave us a cold stare, eyeing up his opponent. With bowed legs and our hands near our sides, ready to grab our guns in a split second we walked toward each other.
"Hi, how are you folks doing today? Can I help you with something?" Okay, he was actually this really nice salesperson. Chris was his name. Firm handshake, good eye contact, clean shaven and not dirty at all, as far as I could tell. But no matter how much we liked him, we would not stray from the plan. We told him what we were interested in and he led the way. We were looking over the cars when he asked, "Would you like to take it for a drive?" Mike and I looked at each other. "Yes...sure". So, Mike and I got in the front and Chris hopped in the back. So much for #1 of our strategy. So far, not so good!
As we were driving , Chris pointed out the features. We also learned more about him...not at his urging...at mine. I tend to want to know people so in those moments of silence I thought I would ask him some questions. He was a senior in college, majoring in finance with an emphasis in real estate. He doesn't mind selling cars but it's not his favorite thing to do. He hoped to get into banking following graduation. He did his share of partying in college but was able to maintain a balance that allowed him to be successful in school. When his hair was longer he looked like Will Ferrell and in fact, talks like him, after a few beers. He gets the music they play at the dealership stuck in his head and sometimes finds himself dancing to 80s music. We, in fact, witnessed this for ourselves when he didn't know we were looking. I really liked this guy. I wanted him to earn the commission on this sale. Uh-oh...this wasn't good.
We completed our test drive and went inside. Chris sat us down in a glass cubicle and left to get the specs sheet and pricing information. When he returned he asked, "So, what would it take for you to leave with a car today?" And the negotiation began. We told him what we wanted...the model, the features...but not the price we were considering. We explained that we had no intention of buying today. We would be going to another dealership after we left. He gave us a number. No good...we won't go above THIS number.
Then they bring in the big guns...Greg! He is the stereotypical car salesman...so stereotypical it made me chuckle. Slicked back long hair, tan as can be, with an arrogance you can practically taste! He handed us his business card. His name is Greg "Armani" (can I throw up now?) and had the same last name as ours...and did they try to use that to their advantage!
We continued the back and forth. We threatened to walk a couple of times. We seem so tough, don't we? In actuality we had NO idea what we were doing. They would leave and I would call my sister asking for advice. Mike and I would whisper to each other our questions and concerns about the process but when "Armani" walked in, we feigned confidence. "We must have free financing." "No can do!" "Alrighty then...we'll go ahead and just take the 3.9%"
Four hours and several thousands of dollars later we agreed. Phew! On to the next phase...financing. And we thought the negotiating was over. Of course they had to push the extended warranty. They explained several packages of extended warranties that would make our monthly payment higher than we could ever imagine paying. We were firm...no, no, no, no, no! But they had one more trick up their sleeve. The finance specialist spoke to Armani. He liked us SO much that he decided to "adopt" us since we have the same last name! (Gag me!) So, we were offered the employee rate! N-O! At least we followed one part of our well thought out plan.
Finally, Mike and I walked out the door, satisfied with our purchase, happy that a college student would be earning the commission. We're almost to the car when I turn around and look at our salesman, Chris. Did I just see him blowing the smoke from his gun and putting it back in the holster? Crap!
Friday, July 18, 2008
I originally started this thinking it was going to be a fairly brief post but it went in a completely different direction and turned into a lengthy history lesson. Sorry about that!
I have worked in the field of adoption for the past 12 years. I currently work for a private adoption agency, one that was founded in the late 1800s. In fact, I am the search specialist for this agency. I am fascinated by the history of adoption! One of my favorite places to be is our record room...the room that houses the hundreds of records of children who came to our agency for various reasons and who left, hopefully in the arms and embrace of loving parents.
This is the ideal image but in reality, there is more pain than one would like to imagine. The pain seems to correspond with the time in history. In the late 1800s, early 1900's children came to our agency from the city or rural communities miles away by train or buggy. They came to us for a variety of reasons. In some cases, one or both of their parents had died of a disease that would be easily cured today. Some were placed because their parents were living in poverty with no money or means to care for them. And many were removed from their parent's care due to abuse or neglect. For whatever reason, children came to our agency to be placed in foster care or for adoption. The pain of being separated from their previous familiar surroundings didn't stop there.
Siblings were more often than not separated never to see each other again. The sibling relationship was not valued so was not given thought or consideration. There were identical triplet boys placed with our agency who were given to three separate childless couples. All were eventually adopted and so their last names changed to that of their adoptive parents. Amazingly, as adults two of them ran into each other at a store. It was as though they were looking in the mirror but they brushed it off as coincidence. It wasn't until some time later that they learned they were related and that there was a third! Their reunion was remarkable as one could imagine.
After siblings were placed many tried to reconnect with their brothers and sisters by writing to the agency. Efforts were made to pass along correspondence but many in society felt that one should leave well enough alone, that these children needed to go on with their lives. Foster and adoptive parents sometimes refused letters and never told their new son or daughter that a sibling inquired about them. These people moved on with their lives left with a gaping hole and were never given the tools to deal with their losses.
The goal for these children was adoption but many were returned to our agency for replacement. Some children were returned again and again for displaying what we now know are normal behaviors of children traumatized by abuse, neglect, separation and loss. They were "incorrigible" or "feeble minded", "slow learners" or "lazy". There was actually a school called The School for the Feeble Minded. Back then, a child's emotional state due to past experiences was not considered. They were not supposed to feel or act out their anger or frustration. The children were there to please their foster or adoptive parents.
At that time, there was very little that was or could be done to ensure that these foster parents were appropriate...a one page application with two references. One reference had to be from the pastor of their church and another from a friend or neighbor. It was important for them to have good standing in the community. Families would come to the orphanage to look over the children, trying to choose one that looked like them or a boy who was strong enough to work in the fields or a girl who was able to help around the house. When a choice was made either they would take the child with them or, if they were not at the agency when the child was chosen, the child would be sent to them by train.
Most families did as they were asked and kept in contact with the agency. Home visits were made by staff members or those associated with the agency to gather information about the child's schooling, religious upbringing, whether or not their behaviors were "acceptable" or if the parents were "pleased" with the child. Foster parents were encouraged to adopt and many did. Others were asked to sign a contract. The contract bound them to care for the child until the child was 18 years of age at which time they were to provide the child with "$50 and two suits of clothing". Then, dusting off their hands, their obligation was done!
As times changed, so did adoption. Eventually laws were put into place requiring the state to care for abused and neglected children when their parents could not. Private adoption agencies began working with young expectant mothers who were unmarried. If a woman became pregnant and did not get married, either by choice or due to the unwillingness of the birth father, the birth mother had little choice. These women were victims of societies standards. Many were made to feel they had shamed and humiliated their families. When they started to show they frequently left home for the remainder of the pregnancy, hidden from family and friends. A story was concocted to explain the birth mother's absence when in actuality, these young women were living at the maternity home near by, making arrangements to give their child to other parents to raise.
These woman did not feel they had a choice. If they chose to parent their child, either they, their child or both would be shunned and labeled. Friends and neighbors looked down upon the unwed mother. I am saddened for these women who were never allowed to grieve, never allowed to share their experiences with others. At that time people believed that it was best to never discuss "the issue" again. Many of these women went on with their lives, never telling their future husbands, children, another living soul and they carry this burden with them to their graves.
Again, time changed the face of adoption and for the better. Some will argue that society's morals have disintegrated over time. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, teenagers are getting pregnant left and right, children are being raised without fathers leaving the single mother with the burden of caring for her children alone. Although these realities are sobering, there are positives. It is now acceptable for someone to be unmarried and pregnant. I do not agree this is a good plan but single women and their children will not be labeled, shunned, rejected by society simply because they are unmarried and expecting or born to a single mother.
Women who find themselves in a difficult situation causing them to question their ability to parent have a choice to parent or not. If they chose adoption, they can make this decision knowing that most will praise them for this selfless, loving decision; a decision that clearly places them in a position of terrific pain and loss so their child will have a better future. No longer is their decision tainted by the opinions of society.
Fathers now have rights where they never did before. They are urged to be involved in the adoption planning and have the choice to parent, even if the birth mother does not feel she can.
The most important change is the evolution of the relationship of the triad (the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee). Birth parents now choose the adoptive parents. They meet each other, get to know one another, share information, and make decisions based on the best interest of the child. Information is shared and in many cases will continue to be shared throughout the years. Adoptees are told they are adopted and if their parents do as they should, they encourage their child to ask questions and seek answers about their history. No longer is there a need for secrecy and dishonesty.
Although times have changed, there continue to be hundreds of people who are still feeling the pain of the adoption experience. There are still adoptees living who were separated from their siblings 70 years ago. There are still birth parents afraid to tell anyone their "deep, dark secret". There are still adoptees that were raised not having any access to information about their birth families. There continue to be adoptive parents afraid of losing their son or daughter so have chosen not to even tell them they were adopted or who refuse to discuss the past. There are adoptees who decide not to learn more about their past for fear of hurting their parents who raised them. These are the people I work with. These are the people I care so deeply about. These are the people who have taught me so many valuable lessons, who will make my adoption experience and that of my son's more meaningful and healthy.
I have worked in the field of adoption for the past 12 years. I currently work for a private adoption agency, one that was founded in the late 1800s. In fact, I am the search specialist for this agency. I am fascinated by the history of adoption! One of my favorite places to be is our record room...the room that houses the hundreds of records of children who came to our agency for various reasons and who left, hopefully in the arms and embrace of loving parents.
This is the ideal image but in reality, there is more pain than one would like to imagine. The pain seems to correspond with the time in history. In the late 1800s, early 1900's children came to our agency from the city or rural communities miles away by train or buggy. They came to us for a variety of reasons. In some cases, one or both of their parents had died of a disease that would be easily cured today. Some were placed because their parents were living in poverty with no money or means to care for them. And many were removed from their parent's care due to abuse or neglect. For whatever reason, children came to our agency to be placed in foster care or for adoption. The pain of being separated from their previous familiar surroundings didn't stop there.
Siblings were more often than not separated never to see each other again. The sibling relationship was not valued so was not given thought or consideration. There were identical triplet boys placed with our agency who were given to three separate childless couples. All were eventually adopted and so their last names changed to that of their adoptive parents. Amazingly, as adults two of them ran into each other at a store. It was as though they were looking in the mirror but they brushed it off as coincidence. It wasn't until some time later that they learned they were related and that there was a third! Their reunion was remarkable as one could imagine.
After siblings were placed many tried to reconnect with their brothers and sisters by writing to the agency. Efforts were made to pass along correspondence but many in society felt that one should leave well enough alone, that these children needed to go on with their lives. Foster and adoptive parents sometimes refused letters and never told their new son or daughter that a sibling inquired about them. These people moved on with their lives left with a gaping hole and were never given the tools to deal with their losses.
The goal for these children was adoption but many were returned to our agency for replacement. Some children were returned again and again for displaying what we now know are normal behaviors of children traumatized by abuse, neglect, separation and loss. They were "incorrigible" or "feeble minded", "slow learners" or "lazy". There was actually a school called The School for the Feeble Minded. Back then, a child's emotional state due to past experiences was not considered. They were not supposed to feel or act out their anger or frustration. The children were there to please their foster or adoptive parents.
At that time, there was very little that was or could be done to ensure that these foster parents were appropriate...a one page application with two references. One reference had to be from the pastor of their church and another from a friend or neighbor. It was important for them to have good standing in the community. Families would come to the orphanage to look over the children, trying to choose one that looked like them or a boy who was strong enough to work in the fields or a girl who was able to help around the house. When a choice was made either they would take the child with them or, if they were not at the agency when the child was chosen, the child would be sent to them by train.
Most families did as they were asked and kept in contact with the agency. Home visits were made by staff members or those associated with the agency to gather information about the child's schooling, religious upbringing, whether or not their behaviors were "acceptable" or if the parents were "pleased" with the child. Foster parents were encouraged to adopt and many did. Others were asked to sign a contract. The contract bound them to care for the child until the child was 18 years of age at which time they were to provide the child with "$50 and two suits of clothing". Then, dusting off their hands, their obligation was done!
As times changed, so did adoption. Eventually laws were put into place requiring the state to care for abused and neglected children when their parents could not. Private adoption agencies began working with young expectant mothers who were unmarried. If a woman became pregnant and did not get married, either by choice or due to the unwillingness of the birth father, the birth mother had little choice. These women were victims of societies standards. Many were made to feel they had shamed and humiliated their families. When they started to show they frequently left home for the remainder of the pregnancy, hidden from family and friends. A story was concocted to explain the birth mother's absence when in actuality, these young women were living at the maternity home near by, making arrangements to give their child to other parents to raise.
These woman did not feel they had a choice. If they chose to parent their child, either they, their child or both would be shunned and labeled. Friends and neighbors looked down upon the unwed mother. I am saddened for these women who were never allowed to grieve, never allowed to share their experiences with others. At that time people believed that it was best to never discuss "the issue" again. Many of these women went on with their lives, never telling their future husbands, children, another living soul and they carry this burden with them to their graves.
Again, time changed the face of adoption and for the better. Some will argue that society's morals have disintegrated over time. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, teenagers are getting pregnant left and right, children are being raised without fathers leaving the single mother with the burden of caring for her children alone. Although these realities are sobering, there are positives. It is now acceptable for someone to be unmarried and pregnant. I do not agree this is a good plan but single women and their children will not be labeled, shunned, rejected by society simply because they are unmarried and expecting or born to a single mother.
Women who find themselves in a difficult situation causing them to question their ability to parent have a choice to parent or not. If they chose adoption, they can make this decision knowing that most will praise them for this selfless, loving decision; a decision that clearly places them in a position of terrific pain and loss so their child will have a better future. No longer is their decision tainted by the opinions of society.
Fathers now have rights where they never did before. They are urged to be involved in the adoption planning and have the choice to parent, even if the birth mother does not feel she can.
The most important change is the evolution of the relationship of the triad (the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee). Birth parents now choose the adoptive parents. They meet each other, get to know one another, share information, and make decisions based on the best interest of the child. Information is shared and in many cases will continue to be shared throughout the years. Adoptees are told they are adopted and if their parents do as they should, they encourage their child to ask questions and seek answers about their history. No longer is there a need for secrecy and dishonesty.
Although times have changed, there continue to be hundreds of people who are still feeling the pain of the adoption experience. There are still adoptees living who were separated from their siblings 70 years ago. There are still birth parents afraid to tell anyone their "deep, dark secret". There are still adoptees that were raised not having any access to information about their birth families. There continue to be adoptive parents afraid of losing their son or daughter so have chosen not to even tell them they were adopted or who refuse to discuss the past. There are adoptees who decide not to learn more about their past for fear of hurting their parents who raised them. These are the people I work with. These are the people I care so deeply about. These are the people who have taught me so many valuable lessons, who will make my adoption experience and that of my son's more meaningful and healthy.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Conversation with a 6, 7 and 8 year old
Today, Ryan, Grace, Ali (a neighbor girl) and I were hanging out in the kitchen when Ryan asked, would you rather eat poop or die? This began a series of intellectually stimulating "Would you rather..." questions.
1) The first question: Would you rather eat poop or die?
2) Would you rather eat poop or destroy the house?
3) Would you rather eat poop or kill me?
4) Would you rather eat poop or never eat again? (Do we see a pattern here?)
5) Would you rather have ten toes on each foot or three butt cheeks?
6) Would you rather have three eyes or three legs?
7) Would you rather have three eyes and three legs or have your butt where your face is and your face where your butt is?
Here were my answers: For 1-4 I chose eating poop. 5-This one was tough. Either one would require clothing to be specially made. If I had three butt cheeks, everyone would stare at my butt and, as Ali pointed out, there would be two cracks which would require double wiping. If I had twenty toes, would Mike still like my feet? Hmmmm...I think I would still have to go with the 20 toes. 6-My answer would depend on the location of the third eye. Probably I would choose the third eye unless it was on my face. In that case, I might choose a third leg. 7-I think I would rather have three eyes and three legs.
1) The first question: Would you rather eat poop or die?
2) Would you rather eat poop or destroy the house?
3) Would you rather eat poop or kill me?
4) Would you rather eat poop or never eat again? (Do we see a pattern here?)
5) Would you rather have ten toes on each foot or three butt cheeks?
6) Would you rather have three eyes or three legs?
7) Would you rather have three eyes and three legs or have your butt where your face is and your face where your butt is?
Here were my answers: For 1-4 I chose eating poop. 5-This one was tough. Either one would require clothing to be specially made. If I had three butt cheeks, everyone would stare at my butt and, as Ali pointed out, there would be two cracks which would require double wiping. If I had twenty toes, would Mike still like my feet? Hmmmm...I think I would still have to go with the 20 toes. 6-My answer would depend on the location of the third eye. Probably I would choose the third eye unless it was on my face. In that case, I might choose a third leg. 7-I think I would rather have three eyes and three legs.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
80s Hair
Weren't the 80s the best??? There are a few reasons I decided to post these pictures. First, last week on Fox and Friends (my favorite morning news show) they had 80s week. They asked people to send in their 80s hair pictures. I never had the opportunity to send mine so here it is for all to see. Secondly, I recently sent these pictures to a friend and it made her laugh so hard she disturbed her coworkers. I like to make people laugh so I thought I would share. And lastly, every time I see my cousin, which I did this past weekend, she tells me that she was always so amazed by my hair when I was in high school and couldn't imagine how I could make it so.....big. Thankfully, people don't look at my hair now in amazement...wait...is that a good thing or a bad thing???
Anyway, please ignore the quality of these pictures. It looks as though the pictures got wet at some point. Also, please overlook the background...eek!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Getting to know your friends...
Every once in a while I get a "Getting to know your friends" email. I don't usually pass it along...not sure why because I don't mind sharing. I thought I would just post it here:
1. What is your occupation? Adoption specialist, homemaker, taxi driver, errand runner, accountant, cook, therapist, playmate, all around personal assistant to the King (Mike), the princess (Grace) and our princes (Ryan and Nathan).
2. What color are your socks right now? I'm not wearing socks and don't usually in the summer...well...except at night when I'm cold.
3. What are you listening to right know? The sound of my space heater.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Two chocolate chip cookies
5. Can you drive a stick shift? I learned to drive using a stick. Once you know how, you never forget.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Red...or green....maybe blue.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone. My mom
8. How old are you today? 29!!!! Okay, I'm actually 37.
9. Favorite drinks? Diet Pepsi, milk, Riesling...not mixed together!!!!
10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Any sport my kids are participating in. I like to watch professional sports live, not on TV. And I enjoy baseball and basketball the most.
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? I have blonde highlights.
12. Pets? Montana and Lexi...two very old dogs!
13. Favorite foods? There are so many...most pastas, crab legs, barbequed pork steaks, party potatos, anything from The Melting Pot, chocolate and cheesecake.
14. Last movie you watched? One of the Die Hard movies...Live Long, Die Hard (I think)
15. Favorite day of the year? July 4th
17. What do you do to vent anger? Listen to music, clean, drive, raise my voice, lecture...it depends on why I am angry, where I am at the time.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My stuffed animals.
19. What is your favorite season? Fall
20. Hugs or Kisses? Hugs
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Neither really, but if I had to pick I would pick Cherry.
22. When was the last time you cried? Sunday on my way home from Ohio.
23. What is on the floor of your closet? Smelly shoes
24. Favorite smells? Vanilla candles, Home Depot, Mike's cologne (Chrome)
25. Favorite sounds? Fighter jets, train whistles, church bells, the ocean, children's laughter, the sax, thunder, the crackle of wood burning, bull frogs, fireworks, drum solos
25. Who inspires you? Soldiers, Firefighters, Police Officers (if they're honest)...anyone who sacrifices for the greater good.
26. What are you afraid of? Drowning, fire, stinging insects
27. What is the last book you read? Amazing Grace by Danielle Steele
28. What is your favorite candy? Snickers
29. Ocean, lake or river? Ocean
30. What was your first job? I was a Dairy Queen! And I can still make the Q!
1. What is your occupation? Adoption specialist, homemaker, taxi driver, errand runner, accountant, cook, therapist, playmate, all around personal assistant to the King (Mike), the princess (Grace) and our princes (Ryan and Nathan).
2. What color are your socks right now? I'm not wearing socks and don't usually in the summer...well...except at night when I'm cold.
3. What are you listening to right know? The sound of my space heater.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Two chocolate chip cookies
5. Can you drive a stick shift? I learned to drive using a stick. Once you know how, you never forget.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Red...or green....maybe blue.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone. My mom
8. How old are you today? 29!!!! Okay, I'm actually 37.
9. Favorite drinks? Diet Pepsi, milk, Riesling...not mixed together!!!!
10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Any sport my kids are participating in. I like to watch professional sports live, not on TV. And I enjoy baseball and basketball the most.
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? I have blonde highlights.
12. Pets? Montana and Lexi...two very old dogs!
13. Favorite foods? There are so many...most pastas, crab legs, barbequed pork steaks, party potatos, anything from The Melting Pot, chocolate and cheesecake.
14. Last movie you watched? One of the Die Hard movies...Live Long, Die Hard (I think)
15. Favorite day of the year? July 4th
17. What do you do to vent anger? Listen to music, clean, drive, raise my voice, lecture...it depends on why I am angry, where I am at the time.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My stuffed animals.
19. What is your favorite season? Fall
20. Hugs or Kisses? Hugs
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Neither really, but if I had to pick I would pick Cherry.
22. When was the last time you cried? Sunday on my way home from Ohio.
23. What is on the floor of your closet? Smelly shoes
24. Favorite smells? Vanilla candles, Home Depot, Mike's cologne (Chrome)
25. Favorite sounds? Fighter jets, train whistles, church bells, the ocean, children's laughter, the sax, thunder, the crackle of wood burning, bull frogs, fireworks, drum solos
25. Who inspires you? Soldiers, Firefighters, Police Officers (if they're honest)...anyone who sacrifices for the greater good.
26. What are you afraid of? Drowning, fire, stinging insects
27. What is the last book you read? Amazing Grace by Danielle Steele
28. What is your favorite candy? Snickers
29. Ocean, lake or river? Ocean
30. What was your first job? I was a Dairy Queen! And I can still make the Q!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Fourth of July Family Reunion
Every time I think of my dad's side of the family getting together for our Fourth of July celebration I think of laughter. I remember it as a child and I love the sound to this day. This past Saturday I sat at my cousin's kitchen table and just listened to the voices. Several conversations going at once, everyone catching up with each other, relearning each other's lives, recalling past memories...and then the eruption of laughter. First from one side of the room and then the other.
I love my family and each one of my cousins, aunts and uncles hold a special place in my heart for different reasons...reasons I can't explain...they are just a part of who I am, part of my memories and childhood. Every year I enjoy seeing them, getting to know them again, hearing their lives, thoughts, opinions...finding out a little more about who they are. I love seeing my dad and his brothers come together again as adults and just imagine what they used to be like as boys. (This isn't difficult! Tee hee). I appreciate the traditions we have established...the men's golf outings, the women's shopping spree (even though I don't usually go), the Saturday night party, and children running in every direction.
So, what were the highlights from this year? Well, we established that "NO" Cheryl did not conceive the twins in Susan and Andy's yard at the side of the house. Uncle Bob actually did NOT have too much to drink this year! :-) He didn't grab any butts (as far as I know). Mike does an excellent job emptying the trash...and talking trash! Dad, Kathy and Tabitha have an awesome pool. Aaron and Tristan are excellent dancers. Twin babies eat, sleep and poop alot...but we already knew this. Nathan and Noah are adorable. According to Andy and Jim, I look like I have been spending time in South Africa...not funny!!!! Judy and Marilyn love their wine...glasses. Morgan should not jump on the trampoline with little children (just joking, Morgan)...but this did indirectly cause a trip to the hospital for Sophia. Jeff and Ellen still cannot get the word "sucker" off their foreheads...but they are the proud owners of a condo in Las Vegas! Jon and Gloria are proud grandparents for the third time! (We missed you Jason, Liz, Stephanie, Bobby and your little ones!!!) Andy can make coffee...oh...and don't ever wake him up! But by doing so, we found out that Sandy's boobs feel real! (Don't ask) Ed can debate healthcare reform like nobody can...except maybe Sandy. Aunt Judy is one of the most thoughtful people I know...thanks for the gifts! The man-cave is a meat locker. One should never pull Jim's finger. Bob made that mistake! Drew, Mitch and Greg taught Ryan a new word...Suckish! Celine has followed in her mother's footsteps and reads all the time...finished Harry Potter #5. John has freakishly soft hair. Alexis scared Caitlin with her stories about her childhood. Susan can still feed 55 people, throw a party, manage five kids, maintain a beautiful home, drink and relax all at the same time. She's amazing! And drunk people might cuss alot but they don't kill people (Ryan's worry!) Oh, and Grace did not get hurt once! Did I mention that I am a rock star? I'm totally addicted to Guitar Hero...thanks, Drew!
That about sums it up. I posted a few pictures...I didn't get to take that many. I'm still waiting for my sis to send me the ones on her camera and then I'll post more.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Every year around this time there are certain events that mark the end of spring. First, May 26th is the birthday of two very important people...Mike's mom and his grandfather, whom we call "Poppie". Poppie was born in 1912 so he turned 96 this year! I won't tell Janice's age...I'm not sure if she would want me to share. Actually, I am not sure I know her age...29, I think. :-) Secondly, Mike's sister and her family also come into town from Scottsdale. (Chrissy, Darren, Emma and Jack) And, to celebrate the birthdays and Chrissy's visit, we take our yearly trips to the wineries...always alot of fun! We bring the kids along and they have a great time running around, playing catch, and wading in the creek...a place we go every single year to catch "Crawdaddies!!!!"
There is one phrase that comes to mind every time I think of the wineries and that is "Where's Jack?" This probably sticks with me because it is said/heard about every minute or so. Jack is our three-year-old nephew and is a boy like none I have ever known. He is forever disappearing and it only takes about 10 seconds for him to do so. He could be found climbing on a tractor, hiding under a porch, chasing the "winery dog", trying to get into someone's "American Idol" car (he thinks Fords are American Idol cars because the Ford and American Idol emblems are similar), doing his "hit me" dance for complete strangers and sometimes he is found chatting it up with other customers. Although this didn't happen at a winery, just today Jack showed a woman, whom he didn't know, his Thomas the Train underwear and then asked her if he could see hers....and it worked! (For those guys who might need a new pick up line).
Anyway, above are some pictures from the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately, Nathan wasn't able to come to the wineries with us...he was a little under the weather so stayed with Grandma that day. I can't wait to take him next year...he will love the creek! Mandy and Craig had a better time this time than years passed...they are 21 this year!
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